Memorial Day Marks the Procession of Future Leaders

May 31st, 2011

As an American part of our tradition around Memorial Day weekend is to honor the sacrifices made by patriots to earn our nation’s freedom. It is often celebrated by visiting the graves of fallen airmen, marines, soldiers, and sailors. Many families also choose to celebrate this day of remembrance with their families, pausing to remember those who give us our freedom of speech, religion, and assembly. As newly minted college graduates enter our workforce today, let us remember why our country is so great.

This week the five Service Academies: The United States Air Force Academy, The United States Coast Guard Academy, The United States Naval Academy (my Alma matter), The United States Merchant Marine Academy, and The United States Military Academy will commission young officers at the same time as granting these young men and women college degrees.

The Citadel and Virginia Military Institute, as well as other private colleges and state universities with ROTC (Reserve Officers’ Training  Corps) programs will also grant commissions to a few of the elite leaders of our nation.

Let us not forget the enlistments of adolescents’ fresh from graduating high school. They provide the backbone and strength of our nation’s highly-trained precision-based military.

These men and women have chosen to volunteer a minimum of 8-10 years of their life for 24 hours a day, 7 days a week to ensure our nation remains safe and secure so that other people may choose to pursue jobs in the professions of their choice.  Some of these brave, courageous men and women will give their lives. At this point in history, our military holds the highest numbers and levels of trained professionals both in the enlisted and officer ranks. What is it that puts our service members a cut about the rest of the world’s militaries? And how can these traits impact the other young professionals entering America’s workforce today?

If you’re just now entering the workforce, or have been there for some time why not reflect a moment on whether you possess these characteristics, and what you can do to make your organization better:

Leadership by Example

Many of the national leadership programs preparing young high school and college graduates follow the same philosophy that to lead you must do so by example. Actions speak much louder than words. Who would you rather follow, someone directing you from afar, or someone that is standing right next to you as you overcome challenges? Leading by example holds not only the leader accountable, but also those underneath him or her, because a leader’s credibility depends on following through and carrying out actions that mirror the vision, purpose, and mission statement of their organization.

Valuing Ethics and Character

When you take an oath to be a leader who will put God, country, and others before self, you require a person to take responsibility for the growth of those enlisted in his or her charge. America is a melting pot of diverse cultures, religions, and races. Its’ strength lies in its diversity. And, at the heart of every individual lies an internal compass, which guides him or her in what’s right or wrong. The strength of a person’s character depends on how cognizant a person is of upholding a common code of ethics so that everyone’s rights are both honored and protected. Justice prevails. Honor and respect are a given, and consequences are enforced when one trails from an organization’s rules of operation. Think about how your organization respects the differences between men and women, and how you honor this dynamic.

Decisions Made at the Lowest Tactical Level

Many lessons have been learned from those who have gone before us. And today’s military is a powerhouse, because it has chosen to drill lessons learned after every tactical and operational engagement—whether it is in training or during war. Lessons learned not only helps us from repeating the same mistake it also honors those that came before us and the lives lost during our fight for freedom. One of the biggest lessons learned during the last fifty years is that decisions must be entrusted to those fighting on the ground. There are rules of engagement in the military, and because of the emphasis on developing every single service man and woman’s leadership potential this is a reality in our military. Other militaries require decisions to be made by senior military officials, and when time is of the essence the decisions tend to be too late at the cost of lives and equipment lost. When organizations are able to entrust leadership decisions to be made at the lowest level, then their actions, and therefore their responses are in real-time. Something that is much needed in our technology-driven society.

Highly Skilled Leaders in Emotional Intelligence

The last area that the military excels at—and one I attest to as a former Marine Corps officer—is acting on the premise people are your high value asset. When it comes down to getting a job done, it is not the weaponry or equipment which matters, it is the people. The more emotionally attuned you are to gender communication styles, personality typing, active listening, and both verbal and nonverbal communication—the better you are able to lead, because you know how to connect on a genuine level with others. The personal connection with everyone you meet is your most important capability over time. Implementing systems and leading from the front requires inspiration to greatness not motivation from behind.

Lyndsay Katauskas, MEd

Mars Venus Coaching

Corporate Media Relations

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High School Graduation & Leaving the Nest

May 23rd, 2011

At Mars Venus Coaching we believe that learning comes in waves, of about eight years—at least it’s so for me. So, when I talk to soon-to-be high school graduates, I often ask myself what I wished I knew then, that I know now. As parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents, neighbors, or mentors—what wisdom can we give that will be: (1) heard and (2) taken to heart?
First let me address why value-added insight seems to come in waves of every eight years. Then we’ll brainstorm how to impart relevant wisdom to our young birds about to take flight.

Developmental Stages

We’ll use Dr. John Gray’s interpretation of the developmental stages we all go through. He calls them the ten time periods. Instead of just listing the developmental stages he corresponds the time periods with what he calls love vitamins that help us develop into who we are and what love need that should be met during these time periods so we are able to stay connected to our true selves. So, when talking or filling out high school graduation cards—I get right to the meat—no platitudes here on going after dreams or reaching for the stars. As you read through this, think about whether you received enough of the love vitamins during each of your time periods so far. How can what you say to the high school graduates in your life grow from your own life experiences?

Time Period Love Vitamin Love Need

1. Conception to birth Vitamin G1 God’s love
2. Birth to seven Vitamin P1 Parents’ love
3. Seven to fourteen Vitamin F Family, friends, and fun
4. Fourteen to twenty-one Vitamin P2 Peers and others with similar goals
5. Twenty-one to twenty-eight Vitamin S Self-love
6. Twenty-eight to thirty-five Vitamin R Relationships and romance
7. Thirty-five to forty-two Vitamin D Loving a dependent
8. Forty-two to forty-nine Vitamin C Giving back to community

As you can see from the list above, most high school grads right now have their energy focused on peer approval and support of others who have similar aspirations. Even sharing words of experience with your high schoolers is a challenge. If it is not couched within this frame of reference, or if they’ve missed out on earlier love vitamins of being unconditionally accepted and loved for who they are—mistakes and all—it is really hard for them to hear anything that resembles advice.

Additionally, if they went through their high school years and didn’t get enough love from family and friends, or if they were too focused on doing well and not having enough fun, then they may have a deficiency in Vitamin F.

Similarly, if during their childhood they grew up with one or more absent parents, then they may also be deficient in the P1 category. It doesn’t necessarily mean that both parents were out of the home working, what it gets at is did he/she get enough unconditional love, acceptance, and support from loving adults who gave freely (without conditions). We experience absent-parent syndrome when there is not enough quality time spent reinforcing a child’s self-identity, independence, and exploration within a safety net where the child intuitively knows he/she can express her/his feelings and venture out making mistakes without being reprimanded or told he/she is not allowed. The take away from this is that what’s always important is that we spend quality time with those we love, the amount or quantity is not important.

Age-Relevant Wisdom

Basically, throughout the high school years and during college (or while we venture into the workforce), what we are often looking for is to connect with others who are doing similar things to us. We need this both to gain a sense of who we are as individuals, as well as to find our purpose in life. If we miss out during this time period, or we pursue an avenue that we think others want us to pursue rather than where our talents lie, then we may become deficient in Vitamin F, Vitamin P2, or Vitamin S.

So one of the keys when pushing high school graduates out the door off on their own journey of discovery is to make sure they know there is still a soft place to land. That making mistakes is still okay, but now as a young adult the consequences are greater. The responsibility is theirs. That when our high school graduates choose what they want to do and learn over the next couple of years, it is critical for them to choose what they want to do, what they are talented at, not necessarily what the family expects. Therefore, identifying their talent or niche is critical. Choosing what social circles they run in going forward will also be critical to their success.

As we age, we also require more vitamins to stay healthy. When you get into your twenties, it is important to be focused on self-love, so as we explore romance and relationships—we choose our mates wisely. If we’ve had time for self-exploration, and to pursue our talents, then our maturity will be at the same level as our age. If we’re lacking in any of the vitamins, and aren’t on a path to fill the missing love needs, then we’ll tend to repeat familial mistakes, and our growth and that of our children will remain stunted.

Lyndsay Katauskas, MEd
Mars Venus Coaching
Corporate Media Relations

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6 Ways Our Heaters Stop Loving & Our A/C Gets Stuck

May 20th, 2011

At Mars Venus Coaching we use words like: love tank and love heater. Regardless of the terminology we use, when it comes to relationships we are all looking for the same thing: love. We want our partner to love us for who we are with our limitations, after all we’re not perfect. But can we really love our partner for who they are after we’ve experienced their daily limitations and imperfections? If we feel any blame toward our partner, it makes it even more difficult to accept, understand, and forgive our partners limitations. Learning to love them when times are difficult is when our love actually grows. Having an open heart, rather than a closed one is how to make unconditional love automatic.

Our hearts close up when we don’t work to address past feelings that threaten our current relationships. If we weren’t told as children it was okay to have some of these feelings, and that we would still be loved; then it is something we need to do for ourselves as adults so we can grow, mature, and have healthy adult relationships. We tend to repeat patterns, until we learn a new way to break them, and move on. Beneath each of the ways we stop loving our partners there is a solution for how to overcome these tendencies. Generally speaking women relate more to some of the tendencies and men to others, but we experience all of them to some degree. The six ways in which we stop loving our partners when we cave in to re-experiencing past feelings are:

1. Loss of Trust. Suddenly you may find yourself wondering and trusting if your partner is doing his or her best or that they care. You question and doubt their best intentions.

Even though he or she would risk their life to save yours, you begin judging them as if they do not care about you.

For Women: Re-parent by slowly opening up and care for yourself. Temporarily stop depending on your partner, and nurture your female side.

2. Loss of Caring. You stop caring about your partner’s needs and feelings. You justify this by the mistreatment you’ve suffered at their hands. We said we would risk our lives to save them, and suddenly we don’t care about them.

For Men: Trust yourself to be successful in the future. Stop depending on your partner’s trust in you to feel successful. Nurture your male side.

3. Loss of Appreciation. Sometimes overnight you begin to feel as if this relationship gives you nothing, whereas other times you had been so grateful and happy. It feels like you are doing everything, while they do nothing. Having this sudden memory lapse, you are now feeling deprived and totally no appreciation for your partner.

For Women: Re-parent yourself by respecting and supporting yourself and nurture your female side.

4. Loss of Respect. Suddenly you feel like withholding love and punishing your partner when just a while ago you wanted only to love and support your partner. Even though you genuinely feel like making your partner happy, now your main focus is caring about yourself.

For Men: Re-parent yourself by appreciating yourself for all you do, suspend needing your partner’s acknowledgement and appreciation temporarily. Nurture your male side. Do not feel like you have to surrender your sense of self in order to please your partner.

5. Loss of Acceptance. All at once you begin noticing everything your partner does wrong or needs to change. This is the same person you felt was perfect and perfect for you, and now out of nowhere you have a compulsion to change, improve, or rehabilitate them.

For Women: To re-parent, slowly open up and take time to understand and experience your feelings and validate your own needs. Release the need to change him.

6. Loss of Understanding. Suddenly while our partners are saying something, we become critical or judgmental of their feelings and reactions. We do this by minimizing their pain as if it doesn’t really matter. However, if they were physically wounded, we would still risk our lives to save them. Even though this is the most important person in our life—we quickly become disinterested and impatient with them. When they are sharing their feelings, we become defensive and feel as if we’re being attacked.

For Men: To re-parent slowly open up and appreciate yourself for all that you do, even if your partner is not doing this. Graciously excuse yourself, go into your cave, and do something that nurtures your male side. Take the time to consider what her feelings are without feeling pressure to immediately respond and say something.

If we find our hearts closed or closing down, it is our responsibility to open them back up. We are no longer children, and as an adult in an adult relationship, we have to take responsibility for our actions. By taking responsibility even if you still feel defensive, you’ll release yourself from negativity, and be able think logically about what was being said. By nurturing your female side if you’re a woman and your male side if you’re a man, you bring value back to yourself, while working through the feelings.

Childhood feelings threaten our responsibility if we find ourselves feeling it is the other person’s fault for not doing x, y, or z or doing a, b, c, to us. It is by acknowledging you feel blame, and then deciding for ourselves that we are committed to forgiveness, that we’re able to come back to our adult selves and release our immature feelings. Next time we’ll talk about how to nurture your male/female sides.

Lyndsay Katauskas, MEd
Mars Venus Coaching
Corporate Media Relations

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Mars Venus Children are From Heaven – Even in the Summer?

May 13th, 2011

The Mars Venus Coaching Workshop: Children are From Heaven, tells us that children are a gift. But with school letting out for summer in just a matter of weeks, some parents might beg to differ. Do you ever feel overwhelmed by all the time you are responsible for filling with fun, structure, and learning opportunities for your kids? Even though summer is a fun time for the beach, pool, and family vacations—as parents we also have to make sure our stress levels stay low so we can keep our cool with our kids. In order to raise healthy and cooperative children and teens sometimes it’s helpful to revisit our parenting skills. The following ideas are adapted from Dr. John Gray’s book, Children Are from Heaven: Positive Parenting Skills for Raising Cooperative, Confident, and Compassionate Children.

If we want our children to be able to survive, thrive, and compete in today’s world, we need to prepare our children by using the most effective and modern approaches to parenting. Positive parenting may or may not be something your parents did when they were raising you. As a parent you do this by doing the following five skills in the left-hand column entitled, “do” on a daily basis. The more you are able to interact with your children using these skills, the more your kids will be thoughtful, respectful, conscientious people.

DO:

1. Ask

2. Listen and nurture

3. Offer rewards

4. Command or assert leadership

5. Give time-outs to maintain control when

DON’T:

1. Order

2. Fix it

3. Punish or shame

4. Demand, yell, become emotional

5. Spank or hit emotions overwhelm

This article focuses on how you can improve communication and minimize resistance by concentrating on the first two skills: asking and nurturing so you can inspire your kids to cooperate. When summer begins, and the kids are at home—a whole host of chores crop up just due to extra traffic in your home. Accidents, spills, and breaks happen when little feet are under foot (even if they’re your teenage son’s size 10 feet!). Negotiation skills start during the toddler years, and they continue into adulthood.

Asking
For the first skill, asking, phrase your requests in a way that will minimize resistance. When you make requests use “will you” and “would you” rather than “can you” and “could you” (particularly with boys) (and men!) . Why? Well, when you use the phrase “Would you please clean up this mess?” you are making a direct request that requires a thought process of “hmm, will I or won’t I”. However, when you say “Can you clean up this mess?” you are actually, technically asking a question about someone’s competence to do the task.

Nurturing
For the second skill, nurturing, remember different children need to be nurtured in different ways depending on their temperament. Sensitive children need to be listened to and understood. Active children need preparation and structure to do well. Responsive children need distraction and direction to be cooperative. And receptive children need ritual and rhythm to bring out their best selves.

Improve Communication & Minimize Resistance
Children typically resist for one of two reasons. Either:
1. Children don’t feel heard or seen, or
2. They are not getting what they need or want.

Minimizing Resistance
You minimize a child’s resistance by doing two things:
1. Consistently setting boundaries.

Expect there to be challenges—this is not undermining your authority, they are just learning and testing the parameters you are setting. Life is dynamic, so while rules may change based on the circumstances, your boundaries change in regards to their developmental level.

2. Listening and asking questions to draw out feelings.

If we have trouble controlling our own emotions, just think how much harder it is for your children to even identify what emotions they are feeling. Childhood is a time for exploration, and part of this is helping your children find words and explanations for their feelings so they can learn to use them constructively.

Parents can minimize resistance by validating their child’s emotions of anger, sadness, or fear in a calm, warm way. You can also reaffirm boundaries and redirect attention when you find your child resisting your requests. Teaching delayed gratification also helps children understand that their needs are heard, but you also teach patience and consequences as you help them reason through why now you aren’t able to fulfill their need, but you can if they do such and such first.

Inspiring Cooperation
The easiest way to inspire cooperation is to ask instead of order or demand. Remember you do this by using: would/will you, instead of could/can you. The more direct you are in asking for help, the easier it is for a child to make a yes or no decision. When you eliminate rhetorical questions, and give up explanations and lectures you are able to meet them at their reasoning level according to their age. Getting down and talking to kids at their eye level, also let’s kids know that what they have to say is important too. And, remember don’t use feelings to manipulate, because this is not a behavior you’d like your kids to use on others when not in your presence. The magic word is “let’s.”

If you’re interested in learning more about positive parenting, you can find Mars Venus coaches in your local area, and inquire when they’re next Children Are From Heaven will be presented so you can ask questions and take part in group exercises. Or, if time’s a constraint, you can do the eWorkshop version, which let’s you learn the material from the comfort of your own home and on your own time! Remember consistency is key.

Lyndsay Katauskas, MEd
Mars Venus Coaching
Corporate Media Relations

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Asserting Your Boundaries at Work

May 11th, 2011

Mars Venus Coaching provides many tools for working successfully in the workplace and managing your relationships at work. It is hard to see the good in others if they have been taking advantage of your hard work ethic. It’s difficult to change the “rules” of who does what, when you’ve been accepting the work of others, because everyone “assumes” that you’re just better at it. Why rock the boat, right? Except you’ve just about had it. Going to work is not joyful, and you may feel a palpable cloud descend when you go to work. So, what can you do to change the dynamics? Re-examine your job description to make sure you’re being paid for what you do in a typical day. Did you know based on your gender, there may also be miscommunication going on between you, your co-workers and your boss?

Re-Set Your Boundaries

Write Out Who Does What

  1. Make a list of the tasks you are required to do based on your job description, and any recent performance evaluations you’ve received.
  2. Make a second list of the tasks that have been added since you accepted your job, that are not a part of your job description.
  3. Make a third list of the tasks you’ve taken on that are other’s responsibility.

Set Your Intention

  1. Make a fourth list of what tasks fit your job description that also incorporates what you’ve agreed to do in writing or verbally with your boss.
  2. Look at your fourth list and put an asterisk (*) by the tasks you verbally agreed to do—and decide if these tasks are up for negotiation.

Why? In your contract you work X number of hours a day, the tasks you perform should match your position, and should be able to be fit within the hours you work each day. If you are over-tasked, then it’s time to renegotiate your terms.

  1. Decide what the best approach is for your workplace to renegotiate your terms.

This is where you are going to discuss face-to-face the discrepancies between what you do, and what you are paid to do. This is where you say, “I haven’t minded helping you do (your) work in the past, but I have to re-focus on my responsibilities and priorities.” This is where you offer to train them on what you have been doing for them, but then you return the responsibility to them. You may request a meeting via email, but it is best to re-negotiate in person. Take your lists and a written agenda with you to clarify the boundaries you are redefining. Choose what’s best for you, a:

  1. Formal meeting with you and your boss.
  2. Informal meeting with you and your boss.
  3. Formal meeting with you and your co-worker.
  4. Informal meeting with you and your co-worker.

When you’re figuring out the best approach, remember to be tactful not accusatory. You either prefer to communicate in a passive-aggressive style or passive style. The best form of communication is assertive—when you are able to be open, honest, forth-right, tactful, and the other person is able to stay on the same page as you while you’re communicating.

Non-Verbals Count Too!

Pay attention to if you are slouching, avoiding eye contact (your culture and race also affect what’s appropriate or the norm), mumbling, fidgeting, using too much hand movement—it all affects how the other person interprets what you’re verbally saying to them.

When I help my clients identify how to get what they want at work using Dr. John Gray’s Mars Venus Coaching system based on goal setting, 90 day plans, and understanding relationship dynamics they are often surprised and amazed at how being cognizant of gender communication dynamics at play helps them set and keep their boundaries when they interact with others at work.

Gender Differences in Communicating

Typically…Men prefer to communicate to solve problems.

…Women prefer to communicate to connect with others.

If a man feels attacked or threatened, based on the wiring in his brain he will do 1 of 2 things, because an increase in stress causes him to be more single-task oriented:

  1. He will either fight back if he thinks he knows the answer or can solve the problem.
  2. He will remove himself from the situation, disengage, and ignore the problem until he has unwound and then figures out how to solve the problem (or continues to ignore the situation, because it is not a big enough “problem” yet for him).

If a woman feels attacked or threatened, based on the wiring in her brain she will do 1 of 2 things, because an increase in stress causes more cross-talk between the left and right hemispheres of her brain:

  1. She will want to talk it out, ask questions, connect to others to make sure everyone is okay. She may not necessarily resolve the issue, she’s just talking to better understand the situation and all the dynamics at play.
  2. She will become more emotional, because blood flow in her brain is making her respond to how the issue will affect everyone else good or bad.

Knowing these tendencies, women can approach men by presenting a problem with a solution already present, i.e. the list of tasks you agree to be responsible for, offering to re-train co-worker, and justification for redefining job description. In turn men can approach women, i.e. with a list of tasks open for negotiating knowing they may need to discuss all the dynamics, with an answer not necessarily a part of this discussion, but forthcoming if she’s given a chance to connect first with you as a person. These are generalities, but they help identify how a request for redefining boundaries may be taken by other’s in your workplace as you set about assertively renegotiating your job.

Lyndsay Katauskas, MEd

Mars Venus Coaching

Corporate Media Relations

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Mars Venus Coaching – The Oxytocin High on Mother’s Day

May 4th, 2011

At Mars Venus Coaching we talk a lot about oxytocin and its many benefits. There’s nothing like the rush of oxytocin to fuel your day. As a mom, as a daughter, as a friend, as a business woman—it doesn’t matter what title is attached to your name as a female, what matters is knowing how to produce oxytocin for yourself. Recently, during one of the monthly stress seminar’s I present to both men and women in my community to help them understand how their physiology affects how they cope with stress, and how it actually increases stress for the opposite sex if you aren’t respecting and working with the differences…I had an aha moment. True, I had my mother-in-law in the audience, and one of her comments re-sparked what my purpose is as a Mars Venus Coach. Being that we’re just around the corner for Mother’s Day, as I was interacting with the crowd, I realized the greatest gift I could give to all mom’s in my world is: the gift of how to make your own oxytocin.

Are you familiar with oxytocin? Have you heard it called the love and nurturing hormone? Until recently, oxytocin was only thought to be produced when mothers were breastfeeding their babies. Recent studies now show women are capable of producing oxytocin on a daily basis. We just didn’t know that some of the activities we were engaging in do this, and some don’t. We know now what activities stimulate oxytocin production, and which ones don’t. Oxytocin is now known as a stress-reducing hormone for women. Why this fact is important, and how we can produce more oxytocin is a gift to spread to as many women as possible is the sad fact—we aren’t doing enough of these activities, and consequently our health, our relationships, our abilities to reproduce, our jobs, our children—they’re all suffering.

Men produce a different stress-reducing hormone—and it’s something we’re more familiar with hearing about: testosterone. However, there’s a couple of catches. Women produce testosterone too, however, it does little to reduce our stress. It actually impedes the production of oxytocin for us. And, guess where we make a lot of testosterone on a daily basis? At work—basically, whenever we’re competing, and being rushed from one thing to the next. In addition to testosterone production, we also have excess cortisol (the stress producing hormone, also known as the squirt of energy that helps us fight or flee a situation), that prevents us from properly producing enough oxytocin to keep stress levels low.

My mother-in-law during the stress seminar commented that she wished she knew this information early-on in her marriage and career. Knowing how to stimulate the levels of oxytocin in your blood CHANGES everything! Your waistline for starters—it will shrink. Your relationships as well—you’ll focus on the ones that help you produce more oxytocin, and less testosterone. Your happiness too—90% of the oxytocin you are responsible and capable of producing, you don’t need anyone else to do it for you. You can do it with minimal cost, or you could go all out cialis price online. The knowledge is what is imperative.

In our society we are now doing everything contrary to keeping the hormones in our bodies balanced. So, we need this information to help us re-focus on nurturing ourselves first. Nurture and love yourself first by doing activities that produce the love and nurturing hormone, oxytocin. Then, and only then, can you begin to take care of others, both in your family, with neighbors and friends, and also in your professional line of work too.

An easy way to identify if you are in a primed state to produce oxytocin is if you are feeling any of these feelings, then you are UNABLE to produce oxytocin. Identify one of these feelings, and then switch to an oxytocin producing activity to get the nasty cortisol and testosterone out of your system. Oxytocin decreases when you feel:

• Alone
• Ignored
• Rushed
• Overwhelmed
• Unsupported
• Unimportant

Another important thing to remember is if other people are demanding, requiring, or expecting you to do x, y, z for their benefit, then it is very difficult for oxytocin to be released…, because you are being rushed and unsupported. If you find that your kids, husband, friends, neighbors, family, co-workers, or customers are making you feel this way. What you have to do is then figure out a way to release yourself from being guilted into performing tasks for others. Sometimes all it takes is re-framing the situation for yourself. Other times you will have to be assertive and use your conflict resolution skills to take things off of your to-do list, or to negotiate and ask for their help in return for what you’re doing for them.

Activities that you can do to produce oxytocin for yourself are:

• Plan a special occasion
• Schedule a walk & talk
• Grow/make something
• Create a “Have Done” list
• Reach out to friends
• Hire a coach

Activities you can do for the mom’s in your life to help them produce oxytocin are:

• Hug them 4x a day
• Leave them a note
• Take them out on a special just because occasion
• Give them a flower
• Notice, listen, & compliment them
• Give them a spa day
• Help them without being asked

Just remember—nurturing yourself and the mom’s in your life is not being selfish or frivolous. It is taking an active stance on the most important ladies in your life so they have lasting health and happiness.

Lyndsay Katauskas, MEd
Mars Venus Coaching
Corporate Media Relations

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Single Ladies Give Yourself a Gift This Year!

April 25th, 2011

Oxytocin is a stress reducing hormone released in women. When a woman does somthing that produces Oxytocin, her Cortisol (stress hormone) levels begin to drop and she starts to feel less stressed and more relaxed. Below is a list of 10 sure fire ways a women can produce Oxytocin for herself this coming Mother’s Day. Some of them might just surprise you.

1. Get a massage

2. Get your hair done

3. Get a manicure or pedicure

4. Take yourself on a shopping spree

5. Volunteer or give to a charity

6. Go to the theatre, a concert, or dance performance

7. Host an intimate gathering of your closest friends

8. Spend time at the beach, a river, or a lake

9. Go to an art musuem or a cultural event

10. Hand write your future self (and a few close friends if you like) a love note

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Valentine’s Day For Empty-Nesters… “Hello Stranger!”

April 25th, 2011

Valentine’s day is here. Sometimes we assume that if you’ve celebrated one or twenty Valentine’s days with your honey, the preparation will be the same, and you’ll know exactly what your spouse expects. The reality is we may find ourselves year to year still wondering if what we’re doing for our spouse is actually fulfilling or satisfying their needs. You may do and get things for your spouse based on what advertisers say you should do, or what you think you would like if you were in the other’s shoes. But do we really know? Have you asked for clarification? Do you tell your spouse what makes you fulfilled?

If we are feeling the symptoms of an empty nest AND one or more empty love tanks (we have ten) at Valentine’s, then it may take all of our energy just to summon up the effort to recognize the value our spouse brings to our marriage. Forget a card or flowers or even the thought of a romantic evening. This may have all stopped long ago. Some of us may merely be throwing money or words at our relationship, and think it is still working, but our heart hardened a few years back. And now in addition to the kids leaving home, we are faced with the dilemma of staying in the same car with our spouse or looking elsewhere for a new car to make us feel young or in control.

However, if you think back on all of the Valentine’s you’ve celebrated with your partner, you may discover it is like looking at a scrapbook of snap shots depicting the state of your marriage as you celebrated this day each year that screams “be romantic or else!” Trying to remember where and what you and your spouse did for each of the past Valentine’s may be a fun way of re-connecting, laughing, and returning value to the time you’ve spent together raising yourselves.

If you have been like every other busy family in past years slogging through work and a myriad of after-school activities, sports practice, work related social functions, chores, fitting in workouts, running errands, and paying bills—when your kids get ready to or have just left home to pursue their interests and make their way in the world, the house can feel empty all of a sudden. You wake up looking at your partner, and you don’t know who you are let alone who the other person is anymore. Sometimes this wake-up call even occurs before your kids graduate from high school! Realization dawns that all of the time you spent lavishing unconditional love and support on your kids as you grew them into the young adults they are today—all that time is about to become available again.

This free time can be unsettling, exhilarating, terrifying or all three, because now you have a chance to re-focus on yourself and your needs. This also means getting re-acquainted with your spouse if in year’s past you were busy raising your child(ren). An easy way to re-focus on how you and your spouse will continue to grow together on Valentine’s is a romantic candle-lit dinner. Sometimes a special dinner at home—get take out if possible so no one has to cook—with the lights down low is cheaper, but more intimate than driving, making it on time to the reservation, and conversing in a crowded restaurant. Now is the perfect time over a candlelit dinner to ramble on about those unfulfilled dreams and wishes, and re-evaluate how you and your partner can make action plans by chunking your dream into bite-sized goals to help make each other’s dreams a reality.

How we decide to cope with this new-found freedom can either make our marriages stronger or break them apart. Using Valentine’s day to your advantage, by rekindling romance and talking about how to make both of your dreams a reality is the initial solution to becoming comfortable with the kids being away from home. The second part is checking-in with ages and stages, to see if you’ve been hitting the milestones. If you have an empty love tank, then chances are you’ll need to figure out what the needs are that were not met in previous stages of development, so you can start filling those love tanks and get back on track. Attending a Mars Venus workshop or reading one of Dr. John Gray’s books (author of Men are From Mars, Women Are From Venus) that explains ages and stages in an easy to understand format with The Ten Time periods are efficient ways to begin work on the long-term solution of living a fulfilled life.

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Score Big on Valentine’s Day

April 25th, 2011

Valentine’s Day is closing in on all of us, and many of us are beginning to think about how to score big points with our sweethearts. How can men and women score big over Valentine’s Day? What if we knew how the opposite sex keeps score? What we may not know is the way men and women score points with the opposite sex is NOT the same. We are from two different planets, Men are from Mars, and Women are from Venus. From the ways we communicate to the ways we reduce our stress, we do it differently. For example at the end of a long day, men like to go to their do “cave” to begin unwinding from the stressors of the day, and generally women, well they need to connect, talk it out and nurture to reduce their stress levels.

For men, the easiest analogy to use is how you go about giving your darling the dozen roses that so typify Valentine’s sales. You will score MORE points if you give your girl twelve roses spread out over time (say in the days leading up to and past Feb 14th) than if you a dozen that one time on Valentine’s Day. For each act of kindness you get 1 point in the Venusian world. There is no sense arguing about it. Ask any woman, she will tell you it’s true. She keeps score by how many things you do for or notice about her. You also get a point each time you notice the things she does for you…like wearing a cute outfit (“Wow babe, you look great in those jeans!”), getting a new hairstyle (“I like the way you did something different with your hair, it lights up your eyes.”), or filling up your gas tank (Wow, sweetie, thanks for filling the car while you shopped for groceries!”). When you do the little things like put your plate in the dishwasher instead of the sink (if that’s what makes her happy), give her a kiss when either of you comes/leaves home, notice her nails are done, etc. You get 1 point for each item.

Aside from any hopes of compounding their interest…Martians tend to wipe the slate clean after you score big, however Venusians remember everything. Unfortunately MEN, if you forget to notice her new manicure, Venusians then take that point away. The Venusian tally never stops, just like a Venusian’s never ending to-do list. So MEN, if you’ve been in the dog house. There is hope! You can come out on top. The BIGGEST way to rack up points (and sometimes the fastest) is when you just sit and listen to her talk. The key here is she talks, and you do not give advice. See, for every minute you sit and listen, and do not say anything except “mm-hmm” or “oh, wow!” or “really?” you score a point! Typically, for women the talking reduces stress, this makes her happier, and what follows gentlemen and ladies is that she will probably be more in the mood for intimacy. Non-sexual touch (little kisses, pats on the tooshie, hugs, cuddling on the couch, holding her hand) for no reason–are quick easy ways you can add up points throughout the day. When you remember and do the little things that make her happy, you’ll send her to the moon.

Now WOMEN: when you acknowledge the little things your man is doing daily for you, this actually is one way for you to score big with him. Why? When a woman shows she is paying attention to how their men are providing, taking care of her, and keeping her safe and secure she is helping her man to feel important and needed. When either person takes for granted any little thing the other does to sacrifice for the good of the relationship, you begin to build resentment. At the most basic level guys need to feel like they are providing to the family, and women want to feel safe and secure. Another way for women to score big with their men let them relax by sitting on the couch, watching a game, surfing the internet, or taking a quick nap. Whatever it is they like to do for their hobby, or go to their “cave,” let them. Know it is not about you. They actually need this down time to replenish their testosterone levels (which reduces their stress), and then makes them more available to get back to you and your honey-do list.

How are you planning to score BIG around Valentine’s? Did you notice I said “around” instead of “on” that special sweetheart day? Another note, make sure you are genuine when communicating (both verbally and nonverbally) with the other person. Doing things by rote may backfire. And, if you’re in a relationship where it has been out of balance for a while, it may take many times of tallying up points before your love begins to open your sweetie’s heart again to freely trust and love. If you try to score points as a way to get your own needs met, then the giving is not done out of unconditional love and genuine want for the other’s needs to be met, and it probably will not work. For those of us still stuck about the little things we can do to show our love—let us know what you intend to do for Valentine’s.

Lyndsay Katauakas
Corporate Media Relations
Mars Venus Coaching

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A Happier You

March 16th, 2011
By Eckhart Tolle
Oprah.com   |   From the January 2009 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine
The greatest goal you can set this year is to make peace with your life, no matter your circumstances. These 10 powerful insights from Eckhart Tolle will get you started.

Oneness with All Life by Eckhart Tolle

  1. Don’t seek happiness. If you seek it, you won’t find it, because seeking is the antithesis of happiness. Happiness is ever elusive, but freedom from unhappiness is attainable now, by facing what is rather than making up stories about it.
  2. The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but your thoughts about it. Be aware of the thoughts you are thinking. Separate them from the situation, which is always neutral, which always is as it is. There is the situation or the fact, and here are my thoughts about it. Instead of making up stories, stay with the facts. For example, “I am ruined” is a story. It limits you and prevents you from taking effective action. “I have 50 cents left in my bank account” is a fact. Facing facts is always empowering.
  3. See if you can catch the voice in your head, perhaps in the very moment it complains about something, and recognize it for what it is: the voice of the ego, no more than a thought. Whenever you notice that voice, you will also realize that you are not the voice, but the one who is aware of it. In fact, you are the awareness that is aware of the voice. In the background, there is the awareness. In the foreground, there is the voice, the thinker. In this way you are becoming free of the ego, free of the unobserved mind.
  4. Wherever you look, there is plenty of circumstantial evidence for the reality of time—a rotting apple, your face in the bathroom mirror compared with your face in a photo taken 30 years ago—yet you never find any direct evidence, you never experience time itself. You only ever experience the present moment.
  5. Why do anxiety, stress, or negativity arise? Because you turned away from the present moment. And why did you do that? You thought something else was more important. One small error, one misperception, creates a world of suffering.
  6. People believe themselves to be dependent on what happens for their happiness. They don’t realize that what happens is the most unstable thing in the universe. It changes constantly. They look upon the present moment as either marred by something that has happened and shouldn’t have or as deficient because of something that has not happened but should have. And so they miss the deeper perfection that is inherent in life itself, a perfection that lies beyond what is happening or not happening. Accept the present moment and find the perfection that is untouched by time.
  7. The more shared past there is in a relationship, the more present you need to be; otherwise, you will be forced to relive the past again and again.
  8. Equating the physical body with “I,” the body that is destined to grow old, wither, and die, always leads to suffering. To refrain from identifying with the body doesn’t mean that you no longer care for it. If it is strong, beautiful, or vigorous, you can appreciate those attributes—while they last. You can also improve the body’s condition through nutrition and exercise. If you don’t equate the body with who you are, when beauty fades, vigor diminishes, or the body becomes incapacitated, this will not affect your sense of worth or identity in any way. In fact, as the body begins to weaken, the light of consciousness can shine more easily.
  9. You do not become good by trying to be good, but by finding the goodness that is already within you and allowing that goodness to emerge.
  10. If peace is really what you want, then you will choose peace.

Exerpted from Oneness with All Life by Eckhart Tolle. Published by arrangement with Dutton, a member of Penguin Group (USA), Inc. Copywright © 2008 by Eckhart Tolle

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