What if your business partner wants to break up?

December 16th, 2011

By Jeff Haden

Setting up a business partnership is a little like starting a romantic relationship, although admittedly the benefits package and perks are a lot different.

In the beginning stages it’s easy to only focus on the positives, but a solid partnership agreement also takes into account a number of scenarios, especially the potential for negative outcomes. If the worst does happen, your partnership agreement should protect both you and your partner.

Make sure your partnership agreement covers what will happen if:

One of you wants out. Exit clauses are standard in partnership agreements. For example, if you want out, your partner may be obligated to purchase your ownership share.

That’s the easy part. The tricky part is determining the value of the business when that happens. Business valuation is part science, part art, and different approaches often result in very different results. Whether you agree to use liquidation value, book value, or the income, asset, or market approaches, stipulate in your partnership agreement how the business will be valued and whether a third party will conduct the valuation. Then the breakup will be a lot cleaner and less emotional.

One of you passes away. Say your partner dies. Typically his or her ownership stake passes to the spouse or children. You automatically get new partners — new partners you may not want. A buy-sell agreement can allow you to purchase your deceased partner’s share, but what if you don’t have the money or can’t get financing?

There’s an easy solution: Stipulate that each partner will carry life insurance sufficient to cover the purchase of the other partner’s share. Each partner designates the other partner as beneficiary. Then, if your partner passes away, you always have the funds to complete the buy-sell agreement. Just make sure you add additional coverage as the value of your business grows.

One of you wants to change the agreement. Paul Allen claimed Bill Gates asked him to change their ownership split of Microsoft several times. Perspectives change as a business evolves, and partnership agreements can be amended as often as you like — as long as all partners agree.

Sometimes one of you might not agree to proposed changes, so stipulate how fundamental disagreements will be resolved: Mediation, arbitration, triggering a buy-sell clause, etc. Knowing how a problem will eventually be resolved if you aren’t able to agree often makes it easier to work through differences.

You can no longer get along. No matter how well you work together now, misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and changing priorities can damage the best relationships. When that happens, falling back on the terms of your partnership agreement can help both of you stay objective.

For example, your partnership agreement may stipulate you are responsible for 60% of the work since your partner provided a greater share of initial capital. If he feels you aren’t doing your share, the more clearly you defined what “the work” means in your agreement, the easier it is to determine whether you are in fact pulling your weight. Whenever possible, use hours, numbers, dollars — quantifiable measurements.

Your business is already established. If the agreement you have is insufficient — or if you don’t have a written agreement — it’s not too late.

Take a step back and create a comprehensive partnership agreement. If your partner hesitates, explain you aren’t trying to change your current working conditions. All you’re trying to do is eliminate as many ways you might disagree in the future as possible.

Fortunately, talking about potential negatives with a potential business partner is a lot easier than having a similar discussion with a romantic partner. Setting up a prenuptial agreement may not be the greatest way to start a relationship, but setting up a comprehensive written partnership agreement is the perfect way to start a business partnership.

Curing Resentment Flu

December 13th, 2011

As a woman, sometimes it’s easier to blame everyone else for how crummy we’re feeling when we feel overwhelmed, unsupported, exhausted, ignored, or rushed. We catch resentment flu when we feel run down from spending too much of our time and effort on making everyone else happy, instead of first turning to filling our own love needs before we nurture others. Applying your own oxygen mask first during a crisis applies in this scenario. We often need an extra dose of love vitamins during the holiday season to ward off any ill feelings toward our loved ones or mere by-standers. If you’ve caught resentment flu, we’ll teach you how to get better soon with the tips below.

John Gray, Ph.D., author of the Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus relationship book series, playfully uses this term to describe what happens to a woman when the score that she is mentally keeping in her head is uneven—whether it’s 0:1000 or 5:20. Martians generally keep score by assigning points based on the size of the accomplishment. The story goes that on Venus, score is kept differently than on Mars, because every gift of love is scored equally—1 point. On Venus, little things are important as they make a big difference. For women, noticing the little things, means that you care and are paying attention. If Martians redirect their energy and attention, then they can be more successful in supporting their Venusian partners and friends. When Martians are talking to Venusians the quickest way to score points is to NOT try to fix her, change her, or make the conversation about you. If the score is uneven, there may be resentment flu in the air.

This tool doesn’t need to be used solely within a love relationship between the opposite sexes. It can also be used with friends, family, or same sex partners if the intent is on finding creative ways to show your appreciation and kindness towards one another. The other person does not need to know the score, or that you are even using this tool. The intent is a quick check-in with the only person you can control in this situation: you. Ask yourself how you can optimistically reframe how you are showing gratitude in the relationship.

If you like having fun in your relationships, then here are a few entertaining ways that men and women can pump healthy doses of love into their relationships throughout winter flu season.

How You Can Score BIG Points with Men:

You can score points with men by doing things, but most men will give you BIG points for when you respond with appreciation for their efforts to help. Showing appreciation is high on most men’s love needs. Praising what they are doing well, will usually net you more of the same behavior, because you are positively reinforcing what you like, instead of nagging or putting him down for what you don’t like. The quickest way to start feeling better is to catch a man doing the things you like. Show appreciation by verbalizing what he is doing that helps you. The more you thank a man, the more he will want to do things for you.  This has worked for me with every man or boy I’ve shown appreciation to whether they are related to me or not.

Another way to score big points with a man is to overlook his mistakes. If he gets lost driving, for example, graciously forgive him. Refrain from giving him a hard time, or pointing a finger at his error. You will score big with him. Remember men give 50 and 100 points at a time.

How You Can Score LOTS of Points with Women:

  • Give lots of hugs throughout the day.
  • Any time you do something without being asked, you score a bonus point.
  • Any gentle, non-sexual touching scores you a point.
  • Notice out loud when she looks cold, and then ask if you can turn the heat up…score 1 point for each thing.
  • (Offering to build an open fire may score more points than just flipping the heat switch to on.)
  • Three times a week spend the first twenty minutes giving her your undivided attention. The longer she shares, the more points you get.
  • Plan a relaxing or romantic getaway.
  • Tell her in advance about the getaway=more time for her to share with friends=more points.
  • Leave little notes lying around, post on the mirror, leave in her purse, put on the fridge, on her dashboard, on her computer. Every note scores a point.
  • Do easy things on her to-do list, eg pick up the kids, drop something off, call somewhere for her. Again, each thing nets a point.

Women spend much of their time planning, thinking, and nurturing their relationships, because this is how they show their love, and it’s what’s important to them. When men reciprocate these small acts of love, then women feel cared for, treasured, and loved.

The point scoring analogy is only to be used with humor and good will. Check-in with your emotions. Regardless if you’re male or female, young or old, we are all individuals and we all attach different meanings to acts of love. We all get off-balance during times of heightened activity or stress. Scoring points is a fun tool to assess the health of our relationships, and place attention back on what matters most: connecting and having a good time together.

Lyndsay Katauskas, MEd

Mars Venus Coaching

Corporate Media Relations

Do Women and Men Have Different Remote Work Styles?

December 9th, 2011

By Wayne Turmel

July 5th, 2010 @ 3:45 am

Everybody knows that men and women think differently in a lot of ways. But do those differences matter when it comes to working remotely and managing remote teams? According to Sally Helgesen, it matters a lot. Managers who don’t appreciate those distances can do themselves, their companies and those employees a great disservice.

Sally is the author of “The Female-Vision: Women’s Real Power at Work”. She cites scientific studies that show how a woman’s brain functions in different ways than a man’s.  How they differ is important, particularly for managers who might not be aware of these conflicting world views or assign value to behaviors that don’t get the desired results.

According to Helgesen, one major difference is that women tend to be highly skilled multitaskers, while men are able to concentrate on one thing for more concentrated periods. Neuroscientific research confirms this, and women often take pride in their ability to handle a ton of things at once. This is a plus and a minus, for women and for those who manage them.

“I believe it’s a core reason that women can tend to over-commit. Those who manage women remotely can benefit from understanding this, especially since excessive multi-tasking can lead to burnout and inhibit creative thought,” she says. Managers need to watch out for signs that someone is stressed out.

On the flip side, a man’s ability to focus on one thing for a long time can be seen as beneficial, but it can also lead to tunnel vision and an insensitivity to people and behavior not seen as “mission critical”. There’s also a tendency to believe that the amount of time spent on something equals better results, something that is often not true as short bursts of concentration tend to bear better fruit than agonizing over something for extended periods.

One major difference between the sexes that really impacts managers is that women are (in general) more likely to speak up if they’re unhappy about their immediate circumstances and environment, while men tend to suffer in silence. (Helgesen’s term for it is ” men will suck it up and tolerate a lot more for a lot longer”). This doesn’t mean that the woman’s complaints are without merit, or that men don’t experience the same misery and are equally unhappy. But if a woman mentions that something is wrong, she might be seen as a complainer by her male manager. Conversely, a female manager might take a man’s stoicism as being uncommunicative or not proactively trying to improve a situation. Such value judgments can seriously harm a working relationship.

Without the daily contact and familiarity of working in the same location, it can often be difficult for managers to really understand what’s going on with their team. One person’s laserlike focus is another person’s antisocial moping. A willingness to abide short term discomfort for long-term goal needs to be balanced with a willingness to change and improve the current situation.

Understanding how gender impacts behavior is only one more reason good leaders take the time to get to know their people and look at results, not at specific behavior that can be misinterpreted.

Study: Men More Likely to do Social Shopping

November 28th, 2011

Oct 30, 2011 1:28 PM, By Tim Parry

Men are more likely than women to conduct five of six social shopping activities, according to the 2011 Social Shopping Study conducted by ROI Research for performance marketing agency Performics.

Contradicting commonly held beliefs about gender and social behaviors, the study showed men more frequently research product information, read reviews, compare products, find product availability and get store information via social networks, shopping and deal sites; while women reign supreme when searching for deals, coupons and specials on similar sites.

“Women are reported to control about 80% of household spending, so it may be surprising for some to see men play a more dominant role in the social shopping and research process,” said Dana Todd, senior vice president of marketing and business development for Performics, in a statement.

The study also revealed that active social networkers most often turn to shopping sites like Amazon, eBay or brand websites to begin the purchase process when searching for a product (87%) and right before they commit to a purchase (83%). They are more likely to turn to social networks such as Facebook immediately after the purchase to share their experience (59%).

Online activity while shopping in-store is also gaining popularity. Many respondents said they occasionally or frequently conduct in-store social (20–50%) or search (18–62%) activities.

  • According to the results:62% said they conduct competitive price searches while in a retail location
  • 45% check-in at a store, 41% use a search engine on their mobile phone to look for information
  • 30% use a barcode scanner on their mobile phone to shop for prices
  • 25% pause while at a physical location prior to finalizing a purchase in order to seek advice on a social network
  • 41% said they wait between five and 10 minutes for advice on social sites before proceeding with their purchase.

Black Friday Traditions

November 23rd, 2011

Have you ever been to a Black Friday sale? Do you ever wonder what all the excitement is about? Given today’s economy, more and more people are looking to get more out of and for their money. Gifts are traditionally given as a sign of gratitude, thoughtfulness, or celebration of special events. If you have a long list of gifts to buy for the upcoming holiday season, what is the best choice the day after Thanksgiving: shopping or spending quality time relaxing with those closest to you?

Shopping

Some people like buying just to acquire things. Getting up early or sleeping in lines to get the best deals can reinforce spending time with loved ones if you are doing the shopping with them, or it could take a more materialistic bent. Snatching up objects with little thought to whom or what it is intended for, can add both mental and emotional clutter to your life.

Here are some tips to stay focused on connecting with others throughout the gift searching and giving season. As you score on great deals keep in mind that gifts are given to connect with others and show them you care or are thinking about them.

  1. Identify your budget for the holiday season.
  2. Create a List of people important to you whom you’d like to find gifts.
  3. Write down gifts that each person on your list may like to receive.

Taking a few minutes to identify what the perfect gifts would be for who you would like to buy gifts for can prevent you from grabbing, snatching, and over-spending. If you enjoy making things, then you can also think about things you can hand make too.

It should never be about how much a gift costs, but the thought and effort put into picking out just the right gift that reflects celebrating your relationship to one another.

What’s the Real Purpose?

I believe the real reason why we want to get good deals is so we can let those in our life know how much we care about them.  When you find good deals do you:

  • Buy more presents so you can give gifts to more people or
  • Save and have peace of mind that you didn’t break the bank?

If you have family or friends in town, or if you’ve traveled to be with loved ones over Thanksgiving, you have to choices—take them with you as you go shopping or stay at home! Both ways you can connect and share laughs and memories together.

Whenever we have family and friends in town to give thanks together we tend to choose relaxing, chatting, and connecting with one another. And to us Black Friday is the perfect excuse to stay in and focus on family, because we hear it’s a crazy jungle out there!

Regardless of whether you stay in or go shopping on Black Friday, do you find yourself year in and year out using this day to think about and or connect with your loved ones? What’s your Black Friday tradition?

Lyndsay Katauskas, MEd

Mars Venus Coaching

Corporate Media Relations

Strengths-Based Teamwork

November 22nd, 2011

Successful business ventures often rely on the communication savvy of everyone involved in the deal. Relying on one person to lead or motivate a group leads to: reduced functionality if that person is absent, a stressful environment, unhealthy communication patterns, and increased conflicts. We all come from different backgrounds and families. What’s amazing is how we come together as a team to produce finished products. Here are 3 ways you can set yourself and your team up for success. They all involve self-reflection, greater self-awareness, and implementation of new skills based on both your and others’communication strengths.

  1. 1. Use DISC Profiling to Rephrase Your Wants

DISC is an inventory that is taken specifically with the work environment in mind. It identifies your adapted behavior in the workplace, as well as your natural style. Bringing in someone to facilitate taking the DISC profile and interpreting the results with your team adds value to how well your team interacts with one another.

One of the fun things I did at the last corporate DISC training was to ask each participant what their pet peeve was (instead of what words to avoid or not to use) in regards to how other’s communicate with them. We also spent a great deal of time on what does work for each participant. We collated everyone’s results in a table for easy reference back in the office. During team training that teaches you communication skills, you learn more than just tendencies or preferences, you get to implement the knowledge right away, which ensures that you retain this information for later use.

It is critical to know that the greater awareness you have of your style and how to adapt how you communicate with others in the group based on their style is what sets you and your team apart from other groups operating by chance alone. Doing DISC as a group allows everyone to see patterns and how objectively to make changes in the way they speak and interact so the strengths of all team members are utilized rather than just the more extroverted or dominant communication and personality styles.

  1. 2. Understand Gender Communication Differences

While DISC identifies your adapted and natural communication styles, going one step further to understand how men and women prefer to communicate leads to even greater results.

  • Men tend to use communication to solve problems.
  • Women tend to use communication to connect.

For example, at work—a woman’s natural inclination to take into account how a decision affects all parties involved both short and long term. Calling on this strength during a sale or when weighing options ensures greater logistical planning than a more single-minded approach. Calling on a man’s inclination to either solve a dilemma, or shelve for later is helpful in keeping negotiations focused with the end in sight.

Mars Venus Coaches in your area can facilitate DISC trainings for your organization and offer free Stress Management Seminars and workshops geared to getting what you want at work and gender differences in selling and buying. If you’re pressed for time you can also read the following online articles or take aneWorkshop too!

  1. 3. Practice Conflict Resolution Skills

It is critical to know that under stress, we tend to do two things:

  • We revert to our natural DISC style—graph II, not our adapted DISC style—graph I. This is because under stress it is harder to mask our natural preferences for communicating.
  • We become more like our gender, because of our physiology and the way blood flows in our brains according to our sex.

Therefore, utilizing an objective observer or a facilitator that interprets how you work as a team is more helpful, then just reading about it or studying these skills alone.

The following are the 3 steps to conflict resolution and what primary DISC gravitates to each of the steps.

1. CREATE SPACE. S’s bring all views, ideas and opinions into dialogue.

Change location to a neutral place

-Use active listening to explore rather than condemn opposing views

Take breaks often to cool off during negotiations

2. ADD VALUE. C/I’snaturally use their skills to add value and make sure all voices are heard.

Cs (Ts) add value by generating logical alternativesto the conflict issues

Is (Fs) add value by creating options for growthfor all parties so no one leaves feeling empty handed

3. SEEK CLOSURE. D’s ensure an end result.

agree on decision principles before making decisions (i.e. equal input)

-take one step at a time and define the steps

-once steps are outlined and decided upon, close the book on conflict

The bottom line is to turn what you learn into translatable skills. Learning communication and resiliency skills that focus on your strengths enable you to stay present in the moment. When you are able to operate continually from this place of presence, then you will find there are no fights, conflicts will decrease, and both your productivity and efficiency will improve. If your entire team can identify what best works for them and how to adapt to other people’s preferences, then the climate and culture at work will cease to feel like “work,” and more like play—just like it felt as a kid on the playground at recess playing kickball.

Lyndsay Katauskas, MEd

Mars Venus Coaching

Corporate Media Relations

Feeling Overwhelmed?

November 18th, 2011

Are you burned out from doing too many things all of the time? Here are four things you can do on a daily basis to proactively feel energized and stress-free. There is one question you need to ask and remind yourself of daily to help you reprioritize what’s important to you. What is your strategic objective? The second thing you must do to feel and be on top of things is to prioritize what must be done and finished each day. And the third thing: work your to-do list. If you’re thinking, “yeah, but I already do this” or “right—that’s not gonna work.” The one thing you may have forgotten to include on your to-do list is: PLAY! And play is non-negotiable, it’s even more important than your dentist appointment or paying your bills.

Let me explain.

Tip #1: What is Your Strategic Objective?

Another way to ask this is what is your purpose in life? Or another way is to look at the patterns in your life of lessons learned…and ask yourself what are the themes that consistently run through your life? For some people it may be to help others, or to grow well-adjusted kids within an in-tact family, or to pursue your talents in a job that pays well and lets you find balance.

If you can identify what motivates you to accomplish things that make you feel complete and successful in life—you can then cross off anything on your calendar that is a TIME WASTER. If you’re doing something that doesn’t fit with your vision for yourself, then don’t do it. If you have to do it, then figure out a way to relate it to your strategic objective. Otherwise you will wind up grumpy and dissatisfied or like you’re always doing for other people. If you don’t know what your vision, strategic objective, or life purpose is—explore. Find it. And then make sure 80% of your day is taken up with doing activities that relates to this purpose.

Tip #2: Create a Weekly To-Do List AND Daily Plan of the Day

Items needed: Calendar/Planner, Weekly To-Do List, Daily To-Do List, Pen, 20 minutes 1x/week, Partner and/or Kids (if you’re in a relationship and/or raising a family)

On your calendar put down any appointments or things you have scheduled involving other people/work/exercise/meal preparation/bill paying/kids.

Then look at the next seven days. On your Weekly To-Do List write out all of your to-do’s that relate to your strategic objective first. Then write out the activities from you calendar.

Looking at this list highlight or circle those that are urgent—meaning they must be completed this week. Underline or highlight in a different color those things that are important.

If there are things that are neither urgent or important, then send regrets or reschedule to a more open week.

Tip #3: Create a Daily To-Do List, 7 days a week

Items needed: Weekly To-Do List, Daily To-Do List, Pen, Highlighter(s), 15 minutes each day

Block out 2-4 hours each day for YOU. This can be done in increments of 5 minutes or in 2 hour blocks. This time you are blocking out is for you to do stress-reducing activities aside from working out. These stress-reducing activities are for you to spend time EVERY day slowing down the pace, and doing activities that rejuvenate and refocus you. They are non-negotiable. And it doesn’t work if you save up for rainy days. Your body needs this TIME to slow down and replenish it’s stress-reducing hormones.

Each evening before you go to bed make a daily plan for the following day of what HAS to get done (i.e. your URGENT items). If you didn’t finish something from the day before, it goes to the top of your list for the following day.

In the morning re-visit the list you made from last night.

If you’re working with a coach, then your strategic objective would also incorporate visualizing the KPIs you’ve set for yourself and your identified goals.

Tip #4: Play

Take your lunch breaks, drop what you’re doing when you begin to feel overwhelmed or stressed out and do an oxytocin-producing activity if you’re a woman, or a testosterone-producing activity if you’re a man to flush the stress-producing hormone, cortisol, out of your system.

Seize the day.

Lyndsay Katauskas, MEd

Mars Venus Coaching

Corporate Media Relations

How to Overcome Emotional Abuse from Gaslighting

November 16th, 2011

This week I came across Yashar Ali’s insightful article: Message to Women From a Man: You Are Not “Crazy” featured on The Huffington Post from The Current Conscience blog. He describes how men and women alike tend to gaslight women due to the culture we grow up in and not knowing a more productive way of respectful communication.

Gaslighting is a term that mental health professionals use to explain a form of psychological abuse where untrue information is intentionally said or done to make a victim doubt her or his own memory and perception of what happened. It is as simple as an abuser denying any previous abusive episodes have occurred, or an abuser can intentionally stage peculiar events to disorient his or her victim. This occurs daily in our interactions with women when we deem them overly sensitive, emotional, or crazy—both at work and at home.

The term comes from a 1938 play called Gas Light, and it’s 1940 and 1944 film adaptations where the husband uses various forms of trickery including turning gas lights lower than normal to convince his spouse she is crazy. The term became a colloquial expression, and was then used in clinical and research literature. Yashar Ali’s interpretation brings to light the cultural dynamic that our social mores today still allow this type of emotional abuse to occur, predominantly with women.

As I commented on other blogs this week I noticed the cultural dynamic to devalue women and their emotional intelligence. We are still trying to fit women into the mold of how men work and operate, and it is not working can be found on this page. Rebecca Knight on Financial Times also recently wrote about how social identity plays a factor in helping women rise through the ranks at work. Amy Levine-Epstein on CBS News also commented on how a recent study on women finds a drop in ambition, which is also wider evidence of a trend going on right now of the need for a cultural shift to take place within our society empowering women to own their emotions and ability to be flexible…and use them as a strength in both their personal and professional lives.

A woman’s brain is built differently than a man’s. There is more connective tissue between the left and right side of the brain, allowing more cross-talk between the two brain hemispheres. fMRIs show under stress blood is more evenly distributed across the brain allowing women to make decisions using both logic (left side) and creativity/emotions (right side). This is a strength, but in our culture it is often “gaslighted.” When men are under stress blood flow in a male brain increases in the left orbital frontal cortex suggesting a fight or flight response. If the problem cannot be solved logically right now, then men will tend to put off/forget about it until their cortisol levels begin to lower and they think more clearly. How men and women produce their stress-reducing hormones (testosterone for men and oxytocin for women) is also different.

My masters is in counseling. From experience I see the most success with clients when we empower them to change from passive/aggressive/passive-aggressive communication styles to becoming more assertive by teaching resiliency & life skills (proactive take on the unlearning bad habits/beliefs). So I often have people identify which of the 12 listening blocks they use so they become more aware of when they tune the other person out so they can bring themselves back to the present moment.

The quickest way to become more assertive is to take back control & responsibility for staying present in conversations. When we shut down & daydream or talk to ourselves while others talk, we take away our choice to respond back in a respectful manner right then & there. If a woman has been “rendered emotionally mute,” this would enable her to identify when gaslighting is taking place, as it is taking place—so she could then respond/interpret the situation objectively. Assertive communication relies on treating yourself & others with respect.

I tend to agree with Hilde Lindemann Nelson who published Damaged Identities, Narrative Repair with Cornell University in early 2001 that a woman’s ability to resist gaslighting depends on “her ability to trust her own judgments.” By narrating a counter-story (the real events/true information), women that have been gaslighted may be able to retain their autonomy and come to objectively see the psychological abuse for what it is so they can re-establish their concept of self and heal from the exploitation.

This is why understanding listening blocks, and then building upon this awareness with assertive communication skills will help a woman who has and is being gaslighted to identify the unhealthy relationship dynamic. She can then choose safety, to leave, address the situation with appropriate authorities if necessary, and seek professional help. If there are multiple forms of abuse, seeking therapy rather than coaching (skill-based and focused on present/future outcomes) may be more appropriate.

Using a coach who helps you identify assertive communication, gender intelligence, and emotional intelligence will open doors to new skill sets that can help both the victim and abuser to divorce themselves from co-dependent relationships so they can pursue functional, healthy relationships.

Likewise, if someone—either man or woman—is gaslighting they can become more aware of their misconstruction of reality by learning how gaslighting inhibits them from obtaining genuine or true intimacy. They can do this by learning what listening blocks are and how their sociopathic behavior limits them from receiving acceptance, appreciation, respect, and unconditional love if they continue with this form of psychological abuse. They can then work from there to acquire the necessary skill sets to change to healthier relationship behaviors.

Lyndsay Katauskas, MEd

Mars Venus Coaching

Corporate Media Relations

Finding Success in Failure

November 14th, 2011

The key to life is resiliency. Our ability to dust our knees off, figure out how we fell, and how we can prevent ourselves from falling over that exact same log again is part of the equation. The other part is being able to analyze how we ended up with a different result than we intended, and how to grow from this learning opportunity.

“It takes sixty-five thousand errors before you are qualified to make a rocket.”

–Werhner von Braun

As I found the two quotes for this article, I had to struggle with whether or not I even saw setbacks as failures. Part of my resistance is because I chose early in life to see everything as a growth opportunity. When I’d fall off my bike, I’d get back on. Lesson: don’t ride head-on into a curb it will rise to meet you. As a military child, I’d notice if I was a little too introverted at one school, then when we’d move to another school and I’d put my fears aside and work at being more extroverted. As a result I was class president one year, vice president the next, varsity lettered in 4 sports, and bounced through 4 high schools, became a U.S. Naval Academy graduate, and then a Marine Corps officer. I survived 25 plus moves and we’re still counting the moves for my husband’s military career.  That’s why when I say the key to life is resiliency, I say this because we are always growing and changing. Change is our only constant reality. Regardless if you live in the same place your whole life, or move around and start over each move like me—the satisfaction, zest for life, success, and joy in life is in embracing this constant state of change and renewal.

If you are having trouble finding committed relationships or in pursuing a goal to completion. We’ve all been there. The way you move through and past whatever fear block you’ve thrown in your way is to learn new skills and then try them out. You won’t know if they work until you use them and see for yourself if it works for you.

“Any many can make mistakes, but only an idiot persists in his error.”

–Marcus Tullius Cicero

The only way to cope better with the downs (and ups) is to increase our resiliency skills. This is done through:

(1)     Learning more assertive communication,

(2)    Being able to use emotions as an intuitive tool to indicate when you or someone else is out of sync with harmony, and

(3)    Understanding another’s point of view through gender intelligence.

Along the way you pick up more insight and awareness to what really matters to you, what you’re passionate about, and how you can align yourself with people and places that will enable you to realize your dreams.

If you are stuck making the same mistakes the way you learn is by seeking out new interpretations and answers. By allowing yourself to be vulnerable you let in the possibility of others helping you grow. In letting new ideas and people into your life you gain a new way or friend that arms you for the next setback. Leaning temporarily on others who have the knowledge, experience, and compassion can spur your growth faster than going it alone. Coaches in this way are phenomenal, because they are right there with you and your fear. Learning how to work past the resistance to try again or try something new is a beautiful journey with success as part of the process.

What is so exciting about rising from failure is that over time, as you learn how to grow from setbacks; you learn that as one door is closing, another will always be opening. And the quicker you see a door closing and embrace the closure instead of resisting it, there is less pain, the setback can be more objectively seen as a growth opportunity (and not an attack on you or your ego). This always leads to a better reinvention of you and how you are able to connect and respond more intimately with all those people and things you care about.  Success is yours if you are willing to embrace and grow from what’s holding you back from experiencing your absolute potential.

Lyndsay Katauskas, MEd

Mars Venus Coaching

Corporate Media Relations

Gender Negotiation Communication Style Differences: Women

November 11th, 2011

Interesting Article about Gender Differences…Compare and Contrast with similar theories by John Gray, Ph.D. Also read the article here http://www.negotiations.com/articles/gender-bender/

Little did we know that the communication differences we experienced as children on the playground would move from the classroom to the boardroom. As the face of business transforms with more women occupying key management positions, the requirement of reducing the gender communication gap is growing: miscommunication can cost money, opportunities, and jobs.

Statistics tell the story. In the USA, women compose half the professional managerial workforce. Half the students who earned college degrees last year were composed of women. Of those who have a personal net worth of more than $500,000, more than half are women. American women collectively earn more than $1 trillion a year. More than 7.7 million women-owned businesses in the U.S. generate $1.4 trillion a year. Women comprise 35 percent of the country’s 51 million shareholders.

Researchers in the 1970s predicted the disappearance of gender communication differences as women moved into higher management positions, the gap or “disconnection” remains.

Question: Where does this lack of awareness surface most often?

Answer: In organizations where one gender mainly sells to buyers of the same gender. Take stock brokers for example.

For years, male stock brokers have been selling mostly to other males – their comfort zone. Another example is the residential real estate industry where female agents dominate the scene. A third example is the health-care industry. In fact the potential for gender communication gaps are widest in those organizations where one gender takes up most of the senior executive positions.

As the traditional picture changes and both men and women must communicate in teams, manage, and sell to the other gender, their awareness grows. Yet the result is often frustration. In other words, they both experience the problem but don’t know where to begin to expand their repertoire of communication skills.

Professionals and companies that create cultures which encourages both genders in their career paths, recognizing the accomplishments and contributions of both men and women, will be the most productive and satisfied. And that will be the competitive advantage at the turn of the century. Neither men nor women are better communicators. They’re just different. We must learn to recognize these general differences in the way the two genders communicate and be more effective with the other half of the business community.

Questions. As females grow up in our culture, they are taught not to be confrontational, not to make a scene or be aggressive or pushy. So how do they express opposition to an idea? Frequently they use indirect channels such as questions. They, of course, also use questions in the traditional way: to solicit information to make people rethink their positions, plans, or ideas.

Men, on the other hand, do not always recognize indirect messages or pick up on nuances in words or body language. In short, they don’t always accurately “read between the lines”; to understand a woman’s meaning or question.

The results:

  1. Women ask questions meant as indirect objections, men appear to ignore their objections and feelings.
  2. Women ask questions meant only to solicit information to which men react defensively. Directness. Women’s language tends to be indirect, indiscreet, tactful, and even manipulative. Women tend to give fewer directives and use more courtesy words with those directives. Example: “The approach is not precisely foreign to our designers”; meaning “They are familiar with it.”; Or “Mary may not be available to handle the project” meaning “Mary doesn’t want to handle the project.”

Men’s language tends to be more direct, powerful, blunt, and at times offensive. Men generally give more directives, with fewer courtesy words. Example: “Tom blew the deal with that client because of his stubborn refusal to negotiate on the delivery.” Or “That’s a half-baked idea if I ever heard one. You’re dead wrong.”

When a female manager asks a male employee, “Do you think you can have the proposal ready by Friday?” and he responds affirmatively, she expects the report on Friday. When Friday comes and the proposal isn’t ready, the (female) manager looks at the situation as failure to comply with her directive while the (male) employee “just wasn’t able to get around to it.”

Small talk: women talk to build rapport with others, and to explore their own feelings and opinions. Consequently, they consider many subjects worthy of conversation. They often talk about personal topics such as relationships, people, and experiences. To women, an important component of conversation is simply “connecting” emotionally with another person.

Men tend to regard conversation as a means of exchanging information or solving problems. They discuss events, facts, happenings in the news, sports, or generally those topics not directly related to themselves. Other subjects about “routine” matters may, in men’s estimation, not warrant conversational effort.

Whether in sales, management, or marriage, awareness of gender differences in communication can prove a boon to your success in working with teams, managing groups, or presenting your services or products.

Dianna Booher, is CEO of Booher Consultants, a Dallas-based communications consulting firm.