My boyfriend encouraged me to email you. I am 39 with no children. My boyfriend is 43, divorced with three children. We have been living together for the past three years as a family. I love his children like my very own but I have always told him I want to have a child with him in the future. Two weeks ago, he told me he does not want another child. What is the best course of action for me at this point in my life? Please help.
-Nadia
Hi Nadia,
What happens when you want something and your partner doesn’t want to give it to you? What happens when your partner can’t give it to you? You can give up and leave the relationship. You can find a compromise.
I had a similar experience to you Nadia. When I married Bonnie 20+ years ago, she had 2 children from a previous marriage. Like you, I also loved her kids as if they were my own and still to this day. But, like you, I wanted to have a child with her as well. The topic naturally entered the relationship as we were discussing marriage. I told her I wanted to have a child with her. She replied by asking me, “Are you saying that if I don’t want to have a child with you, you won’t marry me?” I didn’t want to go that far too soon in the discussion. So I turned it around to focus on her feelings first.
I asked her why she didn’t want to have a child with me. She was concerned our marriage may end like her first marriage and she would be a single mom again. Her children were already in school and well beyond the baby years. So the thought of doing it over again was frightening.
I listened to her concerns and responded to each with a promise to never leave her. Then I waited awhile to bring up the topic again. When it did come up, I reiterated my promises to her and our relationship. I told her I felt parenting was the biggest act of love we could share in our relationship. Eventually, she agreed and we have 3 beautiful daughters.
For you, Nadia, pick a good time to talk without distraction and when he is ready to talk. Ask him with love: Why is the thought of having another child frustrating? What are your past disappointments? What are your concerns?
Do not respond but truly listen. Listen to him and listen to the feelings inside you. Once he is finished. Respond from your heart. Be real. Be authentic with him and yourself. Use your greatest power: your femininity. Don’t try to manipulate his responses. Simply speak your truth. Tell him why you want another child and make it clear to him that you will appreciate him even more if you have a child together.
Grow in love,
