Posts Tagged ‘Relationships’

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Dear John,

Monday, November 7th, 2011

My boyfriend encouraged me to email you. I am 39 with no children. My boyfriend is 43, divorced with three children. We have been living together for the past three years as a family. I love his children like my very own but I have always told him I want to have a child with him in the future. Two weeks ago, he told me he does not want another child. What is the best course of action for me at this point in my life? Please help.

-Nadia

Hi Nadia,

What happens when you want something and your partner doesn’t want to give it to you?  What happens when your partner can’t give it to you?  You can give up and leave the relationship. You can find a compromise.
I had a similar experience to you Nadia. When I married Bonnie 20+ years ago, she had 2 children from a previous marriage. Like you, I also loved her kids as if they were my own and still to this day. But, like you, I wanted to have a child with her as well.  The topic naturally entered the relationship as we were discussing marriage.  I told her I wanted to have a child with her. She replied by asking me, “Are you saying that if I don’t want to have a child with you, you won’t marry me?”  I didn’t want to go that far too soon in the discussion.  So I turned it around to focus on her feelings first.
I asked her why she didn’t want to have a child with me. She was concerned our marriage may end like her first marriage and she would be a single mom again. Her children were already in school and well beyond the baby years. So the thought of doing it over again was frightening.
I listened to her concerns and responded to each with a promise to never leave her. Then I waited awhile to bring up the topic again. When it did come up, I reiterated my promises to her and our relationship. I told her I felt parenting was the biggest act of love we could share in our relationship. Eventually, she agreed and we have 3 beautiful daughters.
For you, Nadia, pick a good time to talk without distraction and when he is ready to talk. Ask him with love: Why is the thought of having another child frustrating? What are your past disappointments? What are your concerns?
Do not respond but truly listen. Listen to him and listen to the feelings inside you. Once he is finished. Respond from your heart. Be real. Be authentic with him and yourself. Use your greatest power: your femininity. Don’t try to manipulate his responses. Simply speak your truth. Tell him why you want another child and make it clear to him that you will appreciate him even more if you have a child together.

Grow in love,

John Gray

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Inspiring vs. Motivating Employees

Friday, November 4th, 2011

We have all worked with an employee who seems to be beating to their own drum. They are either out of step with the rest of the company’s climate, or completely off target. How many of us have tried to motivate this employee to get with the program? How many have written it off as not their problem? How many of us have tried to motivate this employee and failed spectacularly? Do we know the difference between motivating and inspiring others? And, did you know that what inspires a male, generally does not inspire a female? Mars Venus Coaching explains how men and women’s communication styles are different, but equal. When you understand these dynamics, then you are able to tap into and help people draw out their potential like never before, because you are speaking to their heart when you speak their same language at the same time you inspire them to greatness.

Let’s first address the difference between motivation and inspiration. When you attempt to motivate others, the motivation comes from outside an individual. Basically, you can motivate anyone to do small things faster. However, when you are externally driving a person to work more or faster, the effect lasts as long as the motivation lasts and is short-lived at best. As a leader in order to inspire an employee to greatness and to develop into their best self requires a little more time and patience as you focus on educating them to draw out their own conclusion. When you push-in or force someone to be something they are not, the result is short-lived. The etymology of the word education is derived from the Latin, educare, which means “bring up.” Educare is related to educere “bring out,” “bring forth what is within,” “bring out potential” and ducere “to lead.” Therefore, when you are in the act of educating someone in this sense, you are inspiring them to be the best they can be. This is the process to unlock intrinsic motivation for the person to keep excelling according to their own will.

Now that you understand the difference between motivating and inspiring an employee, let’s look at the different ways you would do this for a man verses a woman. The key lies in the “why,” and the way in which you find out a person’s why depends on their gender, because men and women are socially taught different ways to communicate their preferences. If you can identify why a person would want to motivate themselves to be more productive, then you are able to unlock this process of drawing out potential for them. Inspiration to increase their capabilities will then become internal.

A large majority of the challenges we experience across gender begin with the different ways the gender’s use language to communicate. The words we use (or don’t), and the meanings we attach to those words affect how we view each other. Sometimes we use exactly the same words but attach completely different meanings to them. The easiest way to remember the difference is the preference for men to use “I” and women to use “we” when speaking. Women’s communication style is from a point of inclusion, because they are socialized to be inclusive, i.e. maintain harmony; and consequently, women tend to use “we” when speaking. Men, however, are socialized for independence and tend to exclusively use “I” when speaking.

To Inspire Men:

Promote Yourself

Avoid Tag Endings

Be Direct and Concise

Make Acknowledgements Direct and Simple

To Inspire Women:

Build Rapport

Avoid Monopolizing the Conversation

Respect her Abilities

Involve, Do Not Lecture

Be Precise and Specific with Praise

Remember, the best way to help someone become self-motivated, and therefore inspired to bring forth their own potential is to tap into the “why” behind what they are doing. When we are cognizant of the different dialect men and women use, then we are able to communicate in a manner where the other person is comfortable. You can then focus on the underlying “why” reasons behind why people perform the way they do. When you are able to identify what you like, and praise what you would like to be repeated—you are coming from a place rewarding positive behavior. And, everyone likes to be told what they are good at, not what they could do better.

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Social Networking Genius?

Wednesday, November 2nd, 2011

Sometimes we fall into the habit of thinking life revolves around us—our individual thoughts, our feelings, our behaviors. Not so.  The recent use of texting is sending us in a downward spiral as far as relationships goes, because we’re not becoming more socially adept, we’re becoming more narcissistic. Yes, we’re now connected to more people than ever before, but the “connection” is not there. We get into trouble when a majority of our time “connecting” to other people is not spent face-to-face.  Our relationships go down the drain when we depend on social media as the platform for our dating and marriage relationships.

We’re in unchartered territory. The social media platforms like Twitter, Facebook, MySpace, LinkedIn, and YouTube aren’t helping us either. They are great ways to stay informed about what people are doing, but they don’t necessarily convey how they are doing. When we communicate verbal communication only makes up 3% of how we interpret what we are seeing/hearing. We begin navigating our life story from an increasingly lonely place—interpreting the output of messages someone input into a machine, and then using a machine to read the words. We lose the feelings and meanings behind the words. Let’s focus on some helpful guidelines for texting, so we can use this capability as a tool to enhance our relationships. While these tips are for dating and married relationships, they are also germane for the texts you send to other loved ones (people with whom you have an emotional attachment to such as best friends and family).

  1. Recognize text and instant messaging is NOT a substitute for face-to-face interaction.

While it saves time and lets us send information about ourselves to more people, it is not a replacement for spending time with someone in person.

  1. Use text and instant messaging as a last resort if there is anything emotional involved.

To put it bluntly, do not fight while texting. When we are upset and arguing we already tend to not “hear” the other person’s point of view. Texting amplifies this, and makes it worse, because our brains are stuck in fight or flight mode—so everything we text is subject to misinterpretation.

Men and women use communication for different reasons. Men typically communicate to solve problems. Often they do not respond to a situation, until they’ve figured out a solution. If you’re having a discussion with the opposite sex, and you are texting, it can create a lot of tension, because women naturally use more words (I think it around 600 words extra) a day then men. Translate this to texting, and women are going to text more content then men. Generally, women communicate to connect with others. Using texting to connect is NOT having a relationship. A lot of what women write may be read, and then disregarded, because if you’re a man you may not respond unless you can solve the issue.

  1. Use text and instant messaging to make date/time/location plans.

The only thing that cannot be misunderstood is when you set a time to meet up. This is because emotions are not involved, you’re relaying information. And you are using text messaging to convey information, not to have an entire conversation.

This is perhaps the only valid reason to use texting in a relationship. If you choose to use texting predominantly for this reason only, then you will save yourself much grief with whomever you’re dating or married.

  1. When in doubt about how your message will be understood, do NOT text!

If you doubt how someone will interpret what your write, and it involves personal things, then do not use texting to send the message. We often think up things to say on social media platforms to draw attention to ourselves. This does not translate to texting with people you care about, because they are already invested in you, and you do not need to bait or entice them to respond. If you do, then the relationship may have dysfunctional or co-dependent aspects that are not based on honest feedback and open communication. On social media sites to get people to click through, and find out more about what we’re doing or thinking, we often post things that are ambiguous and create curiosity by the reader/viewer. However, if you’re dealing with a situation or conversation with your partner that has emotions involved such as jealousy, anger, or betrayal involved…chances are you do NOT want to leave even more room open for interpretation.

The bottom line for using texting ethically, and so our relationships have a chance at survival is to use it to pass information that does not need context or have feelings involved that bring up trust issues. Use text messaging and social media to pass information, not to have entire conversations. Use it as a tool, not a crutch. And, if you question how someone may interpret what you wrote, then wait until you are in person. As a last resort you could use video chat, Skype, or a phone call—because face-to-face is always the best way to form and keep lasting, long-term relationships.

Lyndsay Katauskas, MEd

Mars Venus Coaching

Corporate Media Relations

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Staycation Today

Monday, October 31st, 2011

Now that Labor Day is over, school has started, and fall is on its way—are you already craving a vacation? Including fun and play every day in your life—whether it is alone, with your family, with friends, or even colleagues is a necessity. If you’re not doing little things each day, then how you fix this is by writing it down, and then doing it! Planning a daily mini-staycation everyday can do wonders for your health, your self-esteem, your happiness, and your relationships too. Sometimes we get stuck in a rut where we become too bogged down by all the pressure at work and of keeping up our home, and caring for loved ones, that we forget that our bodies need and crave downtime. Creating daily breaks where you relax is not a luxury, even though we sometimes treat it as such. Even with the economy, everyone has time for play. It is inexpensive, keeps you young, and the only thing holding you back is you.

It is not a guilty pleasure to stop what you’re doing and just have fun. The only way to ensure that you have free play time every day is to plan for it. How?

  1. Go grab your calendar, planner, or cell phone—whatever you use to keep track of your appointments.
  2. Block out at least two times every day. How long you ask? Start with 15 minute blocks if you’re crunched for time. Some people can go all out & splurge with an hour or two a day. If you’re not convinced yet that you’re worth this amount of time to have fun, then choose a smaller amount of time, and work yourself up to the 1 or 2 hour option.
  3. During one block of time plan an activity such as:

Dancing,

Running like a kid—key here is to run with abandon, maybe kick a ball around too?

Playing with the dog (or kids)

Tickling the dog (kids or spouse are welcome to join in or be tickled too!)

Sing (in the shower, at the top of your lungs in the woods or in the house)

  1. During the second block of time—be spontaneous.

If you don’t have kids, borrow them! But do something that makes you laugh.

Fingerpaint

Dance to a favorite song

Play Barbie if you have them—or do something you loved to do as kid

Hopscotch anyone?

Recent studies show that even if you feel depressed, or are in a funk—if you can find something that makes you laugh, then your mood will improve. Likewise, if you engage in a physical activity—mood improves as well, because of the hormones and endorphins released in your body.

  1. Use an accountability partner. If you block out your time, and then find yourself fizzling out on following through (even if it’s only after a day of not taking the time for fun), then grab an accountability partner—such as a spouse, best friend, friend, co-worker, family member, or a coach.

Someone that holds you accountable ensures that a staycation everyday will happen. It takes at least 90 days, and often much more time to change behaviors, and then have them become a habit. You can alleviate future trips to the doctor, to a therapist, and fights if you take the time to nurture the part of you that craves fun, excitement, and joy. It’s not just a mood lifter, your spirit is fulfilled too.

Lyndsay Katauskas, MEd

Mars Venus Coaching

Corporate Media Relations

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Shaky Ground, Clear Heart

Thursday, October 27th, 2011

The epicenter in Mineral, Virginia, of where the 5.8 magnitude earthquake struck on August 23, 2011, was less than 30 miles from me. With telephone lines down, it looked like the 4th of July with people over 300 miles away immediately posting updates on their Facebook pages to let friends and family know what happened and that they were okay. Life is always full of uncertainties. Sometimes it takes a natural occurrence like an earthquake not near a fault line or a tornado in an uncommon location to make us stop for a second and check in with our priorities.

I grew up in Alaska with daily earthquakes throughout the state. Earthquake drills are common practice at school, and watching blinds shake or being rolled out of bed was the norm. When things began creaking and shaking I instinctively scooped up dog and kid and found myself waiting out the groaning, rattling, rumblings in our nearest, sturdiest doorframe. I was calmly explaining to my soon to be preschooler that the earth was shaking like big dinosaurs stomping around outside.

I figured why not relate this to one of his beloved books so it was a fun adventure, rather than a potential disaster? He asked if we should put our shoes on, and I said—“sure honey, when the chandelier stops swinging and the trees outside stop their staccato swaying.” Using big vocabulary,made me stay in the logical part of my brain so I would stay calm rather than let my monkey brain create panic for us. Like all kids, he easily picks up the emotional nuances in our voices and faces to tell him how he should react—the shaking stopped and he was excited to put on his shoes and explore outside as we checked for cracks. With my military background my mind was also assessing the situation and hoping it was only an earthquake, and not another attack like 9-11 terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center and Pentagon inflicted by human beings angry at other human beings.

As I checked in with family and friends, I also found clients checking in with me. This brings me to my point: relationships. I created my business so I could spread and share unconditional love with as many people as possible. I believe we can all learn more life resiliency skills so are relationships are healthier, and we’re able to stay more focused on the present and attaining our goals—which often correlate to cultivating and sharing our talents with others.

Mars Venus Coaching based on John Gray’s, Ph.D., wide-body of male/female relationship dynamics is different from other coaching systems, because it focuses on helping people to understand how to communicate with different types of people so they are valued, respected, and heard. Coaching is also different from traditional forms of therapy, because the focus is on the present and creating 90-day action plans that daily step clients’ closer to their life purpose and goals.

I believe we’re only here on Earth for a blink of an eye, and if we have our priorities straight, then we’re engaging with other people and making their lives a little easier to live and bear. There is a lot of potential to be self-involved, greedy, evil, judgmental, and close-minded. When we focus our attention in this direction, then we take our energy away from what I believe is our main purpose: relationships. Having successful relationships professionally and personally is a life well-lived. Your daily interactions with others, and how many close, quality relationships you have are indicators of whether or not you’re making a difference in the world.

Where were you and what were you thinking about when the 2.8, 2.2, 4.2, and 3.4 aftershocks in Central Virginia occurred in the ensuing hours? Did you even feel them? If you were nearby and felt any of the shaking—did you check in with family and friends? If you were further away and new of loved ones somewhere along the affected eastern coast of America did you check on them? At the end of each day, regardless if there has been a life event that makes you wonder if you have your priorities straight—are you doing ALL you can do to express your gratitude and love for the people that make a difference in your life? Boot anger and low self-confidence out, and focus on what makes your relationships richer and more fulfilling—engage in the now, every day. Achieve your life goals.

Lyndsay Katauskas, MEd

Mars Venus Coaching

Corporate Media Relations

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Assertive Communication with Gender-Based Sales

Wednesday, October 26th, 2011

There is often failure and setbacks as we grow and change. All successful ventures which involve other people rely on the strength of our communication skills to hear and understand the needs of others. Being able to put this into practice day in and day out in both our personal and professional lives is what determines our lifelong success rates. Being able to communicate assertively (not passively, aggressively, or passive-aggressively) is critical, but so is saying the right things when you are buying or selling based on gender preferences.

Using gender preferences when selling shows your capability: to tune into your client’s preferences, to be a reflective listener, and see their point of view. Anassertive communicator is a good listener. Rephrasing what someone has said before you give your own input ensures (especially if you’re talking to the opposite sex) you hear them, and in return will be able to meet their needs. It gives the other person a chance to say, “yup, that’s what I said,” or “um, no, what I was saying was…”

Below are some gender-based preferences for buying and selling that serve as a guide to being a more effective sales person. Remember these are not absolutes, but guidelines, as there are also: (1) personality, (1) cultural, (3) generational, and (4) religious cues you need to be aware of when making a sale to the client sitting directly in front of you.

Female Preferences:

  1. Female prospects after an initial proposal may place an order and be more talkative after they’ve had a few days to think about it.
  2. During the early stages of a relationship with a new client, a female client is more likely to hold your feet to the fire on your statement that you have made a “casual commitment” to them.
  3. Female clients prefer that you listen with 100% attention when selling to them.
  4. Pausing before presenting your solution (even if you already have a solution) is more socially acceptable to female clients, because they want to be a part of coming up with the solution and do not want the solution rushed.
  5. Female clients prefer to know how the product will meet their needs when buying.
  6. When a female client or coworker is stressed about a problem she is more likely to walk around talking to coworkers rather than shutting the door and working out the problem.
  7. Boasting or self-promoting to female clients can turn them off to a sale.
  8. Female clients may not like it if you have all the answers to their objectives at the tip of your tongue. Female clients may be more inclined to do business with you if you hold back on giving all the answers, and offering to do research and get back to them for some of their questions.
  9. Female clients would most appreciate it if you showed them how to be happier at their job.
  10. Taking time to bond well the first time you meet a female client prior to starting the sales “pitch” is suggested as it shows you are taking time to get to know her as a person, before offering her a product or service.
  11. Female clients may need the most time to think an offer through so they do not feel rushed to make a decision.
  12. Female clients prefer being shown respect rather than appreciation when you are dealing with them.

Male Preferences:

  1. Male prospects make quicker decisions after receiving a sales proposal.
  2. Male clients prefer to know your credentials and dwell on them before making a sale.
  3. After the sales proposal has been made, if the offer is higher than what he expected to pay for your goods or services, male prospects are more likely to be quieter during this meeting.
  4. Male prospects tend to favor being shown appreciation rather than respect when selling a service or product.
  5. When making your point make sure you are clear in your message to male clients.
  6. Male clients prefer quick solutions to a problem.
  7. Male clients prefer people to be brief and come to the point quickly when making a sale.
  8. Male clients need the most space to think alone after a proposal submission has been made.
  9. You may bond better with male clients if you show how your product will meet a specific need.
  10. It tends to matter much more to a male client that you demonstrate extensive product knowledge than it does to female clients.
  11. Male clients prefer to have all the answers ready.
  12. Male clients appreciate and are more inclined to deal with you when you focus on showing them how to be successful at their job.

Did these preferences make you smile about your own buying habits too?

Whether it’s growing a business, achieving your dreams, pursuing professional objectives, or having quality relationships—it takes sweat, effort, and work. I apply these principles of assertive communication and gender-based sales with friends and clients whether they are growing their small businesses or working on finessing themselves and finding compatible life partners. Why? If we are not staying true to our client’s values and character as they attempt to grow professionally, then we’re offering temporary fixes that are shallow and short-lived. Whenever we make a commitment to growth, before we achieve our desired end state we have to invest in ourselves to bring about the change we desire. Are you ready to invest in your people skills?

Lyndsay Katauskas, MEd

Mars Venus Coaching

Corporate Media Relations

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Simple Tips for Women When Dealing with Men in Business

Tuesday, October 18th, 2011
  1. Promote yourself

  1. Avoid tag endings

  1. Be direct and concise

  1. Don’t take male comments so personally

  1. Make acknowledgements direct and simple

Simple Tips for Men when dealing with women in business

  1. Build rapport

  1. Avoid monopolising conversations

  1. Respect her abilities

  1. Don’t lecture

  1. Be specific with praise

To Manage Martians: DO
Do allow them to work on their own
Do motivate them by appealing to their ability to get the job done- the hero factor
Do praise and reinforce them by appreciating the TASKS
Do manage their stress by allowing ‘cave time’ and /or simple and quick criteria for what needs to be corrected.
Do act as if you trust he will succeed

To Manage Martians: DON”T

Don’t offer unsolicited or too much advice/help
Don’t focus too much on fleshing out all of the potential problems of a situation
Don’t manage stress by asking him to talk about it
Don’t act as if you do not trust he will succeed

To Manage Venusians: DO
Do allow for more collaborative work
Do motivate by appealing to ability to help the group
Do praise and reinforce by emphasizing importance to group/organization
Do manage stress by listening
Do pay attention and positively comment on the ‘little things’ she does.
Do build rapport by asking appropriate non-work related questions

To Manage Venusians: DON’T

Don’t solve problems too quickly (listen first)
Don’t focus exclusively on Tasks and ignore the relationship
Don’t wait for Venusians to bring up problems-ask about their concerns
Don’t withhold positive feedback

The ultimate guide to parenting is now available as a workshop!

Children Are from Heaven was written by the top expert on loving relationships, John Gray, the author of the phenomenal bestseller Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. He now turns his caring wisdom to one of the most powerful and profound relationships in people’s lives – the bond between parent and child. Dr. Gray had created a workshop to be taught by his personally trained instructors.

This workshop will teach you:

  • Why it’s Okay for Children to be Different
  • How to Help Your Children Express Their True Selves
  • The Five Messages and Five Skills of Positive Parenting
  • How to Motivate Children without Punishment
  • How to Help Children Feel Great about Themselves

Geared to parents of children from birth through the teens, this invaluable new workshop will show parents how to help their children become strong, confident, morally sound adults by focusing on self-esteem and responsibility.

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Productivity for Martians

Wednesday, October 12th, 2011

One of the most often cited reasons why people seek out coaching is to become more efficient with their time management.  Outcomes from the 2010 ICF Global Consumer Awareness Study, show more than two-fifths (42.6 percent) of coaching clients choose “optimize individual and/or team performance” as their motivation for being coached,  followed by “expand professional career opportunities” at 38.8 percent and “improve business management strategies” at 36.1 percent.  As a male do you find yourself worn out at the end of the day? Even though you are now working longer hours, do you think you are as productive? There are two ways to combat unproductiveness: (1) replenish testosterone stores daily and (2) clearly defined SMART goals.

Do you remember when you were more productive? Do you think it has to do with having more energy and focus? You may recall being more productive when you were younger or when you were well-rested—like after a holiday weekend or after doing something with your male friends. This is because you topped off your stores of testosterone. In a relaxed state you are more productive, because your focus is better.

There are physiological reasons for why you are more productive when you spend time resting and relaxing. For males your stress-reducing hormone is testosterone. For women it is oxytocin. This is partly why asking your girlfriend, mom, wife, sister, or female co-worker to relax, sit down and rest, forget about it, or do something different may be met by resistance on their part. These kinds of activities are not stress-reducing for women if they have many things to do. However, for men when you shift gears to easier tasks such as:

  • reading an article,
  • checking sports scores,
  • watching a TV show,
  • surfing the internet, or
  • just sitting and doing nothing,
  • forgetting the problem for awhile, or
  • taking a nap

What you are doing when you are doing these activities is replenishing your testosterone stores. If you ask a woman to do the same thing it can have the opposite effect and increase her stress. You can learn more about this by attending one of our Mars Venus Coaches seminars or taking an eWorkshop if you’re really crunched for time. Your relationships will improve at work and at home. And, when males anticipate coming home to a successful relationship…it’s a testosterone producer! So what does replenishing testosterone daily have to do with productivity?

For men it takes longer to replenish testosterone stores on a daily basis, and if you’re productivity is suffering, it may be due in part to not taking enough time EVERY day replenishing your testosterone. If you felt more productive when you were younger, it’s because you produce less testosterone as you age. I’m sure someone is reading this and thinking, “great, but the bottom line is I have more responsibilities, and the pressures on me to perform. I don’t have time to take time to sit and do nothing.” When we experience chronic stress in our lives, then there is excess cortisol (this as well as adrenaline are the stress-producing hormones) in your body which inhibits testosterone production.

The way you attack being more productive then gets into creating SMART goals. Your goals professionally and personally need to be:

S—Specific

M—Measurable

A—Achievable

R—Results-Oriented

T—Time Bound

Once you sit down, write out, and create your SMART goals, complete them when you say you will, and work on them every day. If you are doing things that are not a part of your goals, then you must choose to keep doing them or not. By writing and following through on your goals you learn how to prioritize and manage your time. If you don’t know where to start or what’s important, then this is when coaching may help you gain clarity and accountability to follow through on your intentions.

The way you make sure that you stay productive is to incorporate down time as part of your SMART goals every day so you ensure time to replenish testosterone throughout the day, especially on the busy jam-packed days. Make sure you have an objective person hold you accountable to your goals so you don’t slack off on what’s really important to you. Not only will you be more productive, you will be more successful and satisfied with the quality of your life.

Lyndsay Katauskas, MEd

Mars Venus Coaching

Corporate Media Relations

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Mars Venus Parenting and Hot Steamy Sex

Wednesday, October 5th, 2011

Erotic and exciting sex is not only for the unattached or young. I’d even argue it gets better with age and knowing your partner. The biggest culprit to your sex life falling flat on its face while you’re raising kids starts with a T, although it’s not necessarily lack of toys. It’s more likely that the offender we blame is: T…I…M…E, when really it’s our lack of prioritizing a hot sex life into our busy schedules.

When we don’t nurture and grow our sex life, then we often find that sex left the premises. Not connecting often enough with your partner in this way can leave the door wide open to one or both of you straying—either in emotional or physical affairs. So how do you broach this sticky subject if one or both parents are stressed out and tired? Regardless if you’re a new mom figuring out your new body, or if you’re pre-menopausal, you can implement these techniques immediately into your life with your partner.

I cannot say from experience how things go once the kids become cognizant of the mewling sounds coming from the bedroom, because our toddler is still a toddler. From our experience we’ve followed the following tips and they work. These ideas are also drawn from the expertise of John Gray, Ph.D., relationship expert and author of the Mars Venus series that the Mars Venus Coaches use to strengthen relationships with their clients and workshop customers.

Humor

Keeping the atmosphere light and pressure free is an art. However, it is doable if humor is done without sarcasm or the intent to hurt or make you feel better at the expense of another. Maintaining a good sense of humor when things change on your body allows both partners to be uninhibited. And for both sexes it can lead to more intimacy. Accepting and making light of the weird things our bodies do as they age, as they bounce back from childbirth, and begin drooping and sagging is quite fun, especially if you’ve been together for awhile, because you’ll be able to remember and still see your hot cutie when they were XX years young. When we do accept these changes with grace, then we are able to be freer in the bedroom with our partners.

Play

Remaining playful, joyful, and young at heart—especially with your partner or spouse—is critical to keeping all the pressures of a fast-paced society out of your sex life. Leaving sexy notes and playing your fantasies out with your partner keeps ennui at bay, and keeps your sex life new and exciting. Telling your partner when someone else finds you attractive reaffirms being desired, while also keeping the sexual energy within your relationship, instead of giving it away.

Non-Sexual Touch

For women, it takes time to become sexually aroused. Women need to feel relaxed and that they’ve had sufficient time to take off their hats as mom, sister, daughter, housekeeper, and professional, before they feel like the sexy, hot playmate their partner may always see them as despite the messy pony-tail and spit up on their shirt. Taking time to sit beside a woman, or to give one another a foot or back rub, with no intention of this leading to sex can do wonders to turn women on as they anticipate sex later in the day.

Connecting not Necessarily Talking it Out

If you’ve gotten this far, and you are questioning how best to take action—wonderful! You do not need to talk about what you’re doing, just take action. If things are so tense or you’re so exhausted, humor, play, and non-sexual touch are three ways you can re-balance your relationship without adding more stress. The point is to re-connect. Quickie sex. Home-Cooked sex. Romantic sex. It can all be steamy. If you are counting on spontaneity, but then find one of you always bags out, then schedule a day and time each week so you both know that you’ll have time with one another.

Agree to Always Say Yes

Never say no.  This agreement ensures no one is ever turned down. Simple as that, and it works. This is when using a nonverbal signal such as three candles, like John Gray, Ph.D., suggests  lets the other person know you’re interested, and gives them time to get in the mood, or choose to have just a quickie instead.

Long Term Perspective

Our sex life in a long-term, committed relationship will ebb and flow. The key is being able to voice any dissatisfaction in a way that is nurturing not damaging. Complaining or putting your lack of a sex life down will not encourage more intimacy. Introducing eroticism and fantasy into your relationship can ensure that it remains monogamous, while also allowing both partners to freely explore their entire sexual depth.  Keeping things playful, humorous, and focused on connecting at deeper levels ensures a steamy sex life for years to come. Our bodies will change, we will go through life events, but if we embrace these events and are gentle with ourselves and our partners, then we’re able to continue growing together despite the odds.

For more information on Mars and Venus in the Bedroom go to John Gray’s, Ph.D., book of the same name. And, if you’re pressed for time you can also pick up more tips on healthy relationships with our eWorkshop: Secrets of Successful Relationships.

Lyndsay Katauskas, MEd

Mars Venus Coaching

Corporate Media Relations

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Gender Intelligent Communication to Increase Women’s Status, Part 1

Monday, October 3rd, 2011

Article for Forbes 2.7.11:

After reading and witnessing last week’s recent outpouring of opinion on what did and did not happen at Davos, why women are still not ascending and staying at the top of corporations, and why previous solutions have been lip service rather than a long term fix, I ask that you open your mind to the possibility of a quick, yet long-term fix to increase the status of women in the corporate world. I sense there is an undercurrent of paranoia and hysteria being felt by the references to Groundhogs day, and the frustration about why the numbers aren’t equalizing at the top of the leadership pyramid. These feelings of uneasiness are in response to many of us run ragged by constant low-grade stress. When we address the underlying issue of helping ourselves and each other to incorporate stress reduction into our daily life, especially while at work (where we spend most of our waking time), the actual fix pretty much comes down to common sense. However, the common sense is uncommon knowledge at this point in time. The solution I refer to is introducing gender intelligent communication into professional development training.

Whenever I ask people if they are familiar with the term men are from Mars, women are from Venus, there tends to be an instant lighting up of the eyes, and intake of breath. This term coined by John Gray , Ph.D. when he wrote his best-selling book of that title back in 1992 is now considered to be part our society’s vernacular. However, when is the last time you’ve picked up any of John Gray’s, Ph.D. books? There are now too many books (16 and counting) for a high-level executive, or really anyone for that matter who has both a career and family to tend to sit down and devote good chunks of time to read and assimilate the information. Instead of reading all of the literature, the following is a quick synopsis of why implementing this quick fix is imperative, not only for women to remain and ascend in the corporate world, but also why it needs to be done in order to re-balance and give quality of life back to everyone in this fast-paced, high-tech world.

Back in 1992 John Gray, Ph.D. provided an easy way to understand the fact that men and women communicate differently, and if we want better relationships, we have to learn the other’s dialect so we can speak the same language. Now, in 2011, we understand the research behind why we communicate differently, and the message is now more urgent than ever, because not only are women not climbing in corporate, but we’re doing irreversible damage to our bodies, and the families we are currently growing. It is imperative that the culture in corporate shift for good now that we understand the revolution of men and women are created equal to be an unexamined assumption and unrealistic expectation. Men and women are uniquely different genders, and the latest research is showing how our unique natures and physiology are meant to complement the other gender.

So to get back to the point we must saturate the “market” by doing just this: while at work teach how men and women communicate differently in workshops. It is imperative, because right now women are up against a brick wall when it comes to fitting into a culture that disregards their unique gender-based contributions of working and relating to others. Stand by for part two about why teaching workshops on gender intelligent communication is the common sense approach and quick fix for a long term solution.

Lyndsay Katauskas, MEd

Corporate Media Relations

Mars Venus Coaching

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