Curing Resentment Flu

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As a woman, sometimes it’s easier to blame everyone else for how crummy we’re feeling when we feel overwhelmed, unsupported, exhausted, ignored, or rushed. We catch resentment flu when we feel run down from spending too much of our time and effort on making everyone else happy, instead of first turning to filling our own love needs before we nurture others. Applying your own oxygen mask first during a crisis applies in this scenario. We often need an extra dose of love vitamins during the holiday season to ward off any ill feelings toward our loved ones or mere by-standers. If you’ve caught resentment flu, we’ll teach you how to get better soon with the tips below.

John Gray, Ph.D., author of the Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus relationship book series, playfully uses this term to describe what happens to a woman when the score that she is mentally keeping in her head is uneven—whether it’s 0:1000 or 5:20. Martians generally keep score by assigning points based on the size of the accomplishment. The story goes that on Venus, the score is kept differently than on Mars, because every gift of love is scored equally—1 point. On Venus, little things are important as they make a big difference. For women, noticing the little things, means that you care and are paying attention. If Martians redirect their energy and attention, then they can be more successful in supporting their Venusian partners and friends. When Martians are talking to Venusians the quickest way to score points is to NOT try to fix her, change her, or make the conversation about you. If the score is uneven, there may be resentment flu in the air.

This tool doesn’t need to be used solely within a love relationship between the opposite sexes. It can also be used with friends, family, or same sex partners if the intent is on finding creative ways to show your appreciation and kindness towards one another. The other person does not need to know the score, or that you are even using this tool. The intent is a quick check-in with the only person you can control in this situation: you. Ask yourself how you can optimistically reframe how you are showing gratitude in the relationship.

If you like having fun in your relationships, then here are a few entertaining ways that men and women can pump healthy doses of love into their relationships throughout winter flu season.

How You Can Score BIG Points with Men:

You can score points with men by doing things, but most men will give you BIG points for when you respond with appreciation for their efforts to help. Showing appreciation is high on most men’s love needs. Praising what they are doing well, will usually net you more of the same behavior, because you are positively reinforcing what you like, instead of nagging or putting him down for what you don’t like. The quickest way to start feeling better is to catch a man doing the things you like. Show appreciation by verbalizing what he is doing that helps you. The more you thank a man, the more he will want to do things for you.  This has worked for me with every man or boy I’ve shown appreciation to whether they are related to me or not.

Another way to score big points with a man is to overlook his mistakes. If he gets lost driving, for example, graciously forgive him. Refrain from giving him a hard time, or pointing a finger at his error. You will score big with him. Remember men give 50 and 100 points at a time.

How You Can Score LOTS of Points with Women:

  • Give lots of hugs throughout the day.
  • Any time you do something without being asked, you score a bonus point.
  • Any gentle, non-sexual touching scores you a point.
  • Notice out loud when she looks cold, and then ask if you can turn the heat up…score 1 point for each thing.
  • (Offering to build an open fire may score more points than just flipping the heat switch to on.)
  • Three times a week spend the first twenty minutes giving her your undivided attention. The longer she shares, the more points you get.
  • Plan a relaxing or romantic getaway.
  • Tell her in advance about the getaway=more time for her to share with friends=more points.
  • Leave little notes lying around, post on the mirror, leave in her purse, put on the fridge, on her dashboard, on her computer. Every note scores a point.
  • Do easy things on her to-do list, eg pick up the kids, drop something off, call somewhere for her. Again, each thing nets a point.

Women spend much of their time planning, thinking, and nurturing their relationships, because this is how they show their love, and it’s what’s important to them. When men reciprocate these small acts of love, then women feel cared for, treasured, and loved.

The point scoring analogy is only to be used with humor and good will. Check-in with your emotions. Regardless if you’re male or female, young or old, we are all individuals and we all attach different meanings to acts of love. We all get off-balance during times of heightened activity or stress. Scoring points is a fun tool to assess the health of our relationships, and place attention back on what matters most: connecting and having a good time together.

Lyndsay Katauskas, MEd
Mars Venus Coaching
Corporate Media Relations

Finding Success in Failure

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The key to life is resiliency. Our ability to dust our knees off, figure out how we fell, and how we can prevent ourselves from falling over that same log again is part of the equation. The other part is being able to analyze how we ended up with a different result than we intended, and how to grow from this learning opportunity.

“It takes sixty-five thousand errors before you are qualified to make a rocket.”
–Werhner von Braun

As I found the two quotes for this article, I had to struggle with whether or not I even saw setbacks as failures. Part of my resistance is because I chose early in life to see everything as a growth opportunity. When I’d fall off my bike, I’d get back on. Lesson: Don’t ride head-on into a curb; it will rise to meet you. As a military child, I’d notice if I was a little too introverted at one school, then when we’d move to another school and I’d put my fears aside and work at being more extroverted. As a result, I was class president one year, vice president the next, varsity lettered in 4 sports, and bounced through 4 high schools, became a U.S. Naval Academy graduate, and then a Marine Corps officer. I survived 25 plus moves, and we’re still counting the moves for my husband’s military career.  That’s why when I say the key to life is resiliency, I say this because we are always growing and changing. Change is our only constant reality. Regardless of whether you live in the same place your whole life, or move around and start over each move like me, the satisfaction, zest for life, success, and joy in life are in embracing this constant state of change and renewal.

If you are having trouble finding committed relationships or in pursuing a goal to completion. We’ve all been there. The way you move through and past whatever fear block you’ve thrown in your way is to learn new skills and then try them out. You won’t know if they work until you use them and see for yourself if they work for you.

“Anyone can make mistakes, but only an idiot persists in his error.”
–Marcus Tullius Cicero

The only way to cope better with the downs (and ups) is to increase our resiliency skills. This is done through:

(1)     Learning more assertive communication,

(2)    Being able to use emotions as an intuitive tool to indicate when you or someone else is out of sync with harmony, and

(3)    Understanding another’s point of view through gender intelligence.

Along the way you pick up more insight and awareness to what really matters to you, what you’re passionate about, and how you can align yourself with people and places that will enable you to realize your dreams.

If you are stuck making the same mistakes the way you learn is by seeking out new interpretations and answers. By allowing yourself to be vulnerable you let in the possibility of others helping you grow. In letting new ideas and people into your life you gain a new way or friend that arms you for the next setback. Leaning temporarily on others who have the knowledge, experience, and compassion can spur your growth faster than going it alone. Coaches in this way are phenomenal, because they are right there with you and your fear. Learning how to work past the resistance to try again or try something new is a beautiful journey with success as part of the process.

What is so exciting about rising from failure is that over time, as you learn how to grow from setbacks; you learn that as one door is closing, another will always be opening. And the quicker you see a door closing and embrace the closure instead of resisting it, there is less pain, the setback can be more objectively seen as a growth opportunity (and not an attack on you or your ego). This always leads to a better reinvention of you and how you are able to connect and respond more intimately with all those people and things you care about.  Success is yours if you are willing to embrace and grow from what’s holding you back from experiencing your absolute potential.

Lyndsay Katauskas, MEd
Mars Venus Coaching
Corporate Media Relations

Dear John

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My boyfriend encouraged me to email you. I am 39 with no children. My boyfriend is 43, divorced with three children. We have been living together for the past three years as a family. I love his children like my very own but I have always told him I want to have a child with him in the future. Two weeks ago, he told me he does not want another child. What is the best course of action for me at this point in my life? Please help.

-Nadia

 

Hi Nadia,

What happens when you want something and your partner doesn’t want to give it to you?  What happens when your partner can’t give it to you?  You can give up and leave the relationship. You can find a compromise.

I had a similar experience to you, Nadia. When I married Bonnie 20+ years ago, she had 2 children from a previous marriage. Like you, I also loved her kids as if they were my own, and still to this day. But, like you, I wanted to have a child with her as well.  The topic naturally entered the relationship as we were discussing marriage.  I told her I wanted to have a child with her. She replied by asking me, “Are you saying that if I don’t want to have a child with you, you won’t marry me?”  I didn’t want to go that far too soon in the discussion.  So I turned it around to focus on her feelings first.

I asked her why she didn’t want to have a child with me. She was concerned our marriage may end like her first marriage, and she would be a single mom again. Her children were already in school and well beyond the baby years. So the thought of doing it over again was frightening.

I listened to her concerns and responded to each with a promise to never leave her. Then I waited a while to bring up the topic again. When it did come up, I reiterated my promises to her and our relationship. I told her I felt parenting was the biggest act of love we could share in our relationship. Eventually, she agreed, and we have 3 beautiful daughters.

For you, Nadia, pick a good time to talk without distraction and when he is ready to talk. Ask him with love: Why is the thought of having another child frustrating? What are your past disappointments? What are your concerns?

Do not respond, but truly listen. Listen to him and listen to the feelings inside you. Once he is finished. Respond from your heart. Be real. Be authentic with him and yourself. Use your greatest power: your femininity. Don’t try to manipulate his responses. Simply speak your truth. Tell him why you want another child and make it clear to him that you will appreciate him even more if you have a child together.

Grow in love,
John Gray

Mars Venus Coaching Spotlight: Lesly Edwards

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Coach Lesley Edwards could be described as a bit of a romantic and for good reason. Since joining MarsVenusCoaching.com as a Dating and Relationship Expert and Voice Your Inner Truth Coach, Lesley Edwards has earned quite a reputation when it comes to relationships. She specializes in helping struggling singles and unfulfilled daters to attract the partner they’ve always wanted – even when they thought it wasn’t possible.

Lesley encourages her clients to listen to their inner voice of truth, and strengthen their natural knowing. She helps them face and conquer their inner “Big Voice of fear”, so they can get on with the business of forming lasting relationships.

Lesley’s clients’ describe her as a “tough love teddy bear”. And “a slap in the face when you need it, wrapped in a big hug.” In addition, she is working on a new autobiography.

“What I’m most looking forward to is my client’s wedding in a few weeks!! She went from divorced, hurt, dating all the wrong men and believing that a “forever relationship” wasn’t possible for her, to marrying the absolute love of her life with a future so far beyond what she thought she could ever have.” – Lesley Edwards

When asked why she choose to specialize in MarsVenus Relationship Coaching, she replied:

“I know what it’s like. I hated and struggled with dating for years, until I learned the MarsVenus principles on how to communicate between sexes on a personal level. It has improved my outlook and life dramatically. Also, I am obsessed with love and have a huge potential to expand the capacity for love in the World!”

Visit www.marsvenuscoaching.com to find out more about life coach certification, coaching services, workshops, and John Gray events.