Single Ladies Give Yourself a Gift This Year

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Oxytocin is a stress-reducing hormone released in women. When a woman does something that produces Oxytocin, her Cortisol (stress hormone) levels begin to drop, and she starts to feel less stressed and more relaxed. Below is a list of 10 sure-fire ways a woman can produce Oxytocin for herself this coming Mother’s Day. Some of them might just surprise you.

  1. Get a massage
  2. Get your hair done
  3. Get a manicure or pedicure
  4. Take yourself on a shopping spree
  5. Volunteer or give to a charity
  6. Go to the theatre, a concert, or a dance performance
  7. Host an intimate gathering of your closest friends
  8. Spend time at the beach, a river, or a lake
  9. Go to an art museum or a cultural event
  10. Handwrite your future self (and a few close friends if you like) a love note

Score Big on Valentine’s Day

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Valentine’s Day is closing in on all of us, and many of us are beginning to think about how to score big points with our sweethearts. How can men and women score big over Valentine’s Day? What if we knew how the opposite sex keeps score? What we may not know is that the way men and women score points with the opposite sex is NOT the same. We are from two different planets. Men are from Mars, and Women are from Venus. From the ways we communicate to the ways we reduce our stress, we do it differently. For example, at the end of a long day, men like to go to their “cave” to begin unwinding from the stressors of the day, and generally, women, well, they need to connect, talk it out, and nurture to reduce their stress levels.

For men, the easiest analogy to use is how you go about giving your darling the dozen roses that so typify Valentine’s sales. You will score MORE points if you give your girl twelve roses spread out over time (say in the days leading up to and past Feb 14th) than if you a dozen that one time on Valentine’s Day. For each act of kindness, you get 1 point in the Venusian world. There is no sense arguing about it. Ask any woman, and she will tell you it’s true. She keeps score by how many things you do for or notice about her. You also get a point each time you notice the things she does for you…like wearing a cute outfit (“Wow, babe, you look great in those jeans!”), getting a new hairstyle (“I like the way you did something different with your hair, it lights up your eyes.”), or filling up your gas tank (Wow, sweetie, thanks for filling the car while you shopped for groceries!”). When you do the little things like put your plate in the dishwasher instead of the sink (if that’s what makes her happy), give her a kiss when either of you comes/leaves home, notice her nails are done, etc. You get 1 point for each item.

Aside from any hopes of compounding their interest…Martians tend to wipe the slate clean after you score big; however, Venusians remember everything. Unfortunately, MEN, if you forget to notice her new manicure, Venusians then take that point away. The Venusian tally never stops, just like a Venusian’s never-ending to-do list. So MEN, if you’ve been in the dog house. There is hope! You can come out on top. The BIGGEST way to rack up points (and sometimes the fastest) is when you just sit and listen to her talk. The key here is she talks, and you do not give advice. See, for every minute you sit and listen, and do not say anything except “mm-hmm” or “oh, wow!” or “really?” you score a point! Typically, for women the talking reduces stress, which makes her happier, and what follows gentlemen and ladies is that she will probably be more in the mood for intimacy. Non-sexual touch (little kisses, pats on the tooshie, hugs, cuddling on the couch, holding her hand) for no reason–are quick, easy ways you can add up points throughout the day. When you remember and do the little things that make her happy, you’ll send her to the moon.

Now WOMEN: when you acknowledge the little things your man is doing daily for you, this actually is one way for you to score big with him. Why? When a woman shows she is paying attention to how their man is providing, taking care of her, and keeping her safe and secure, she is helping her man to feel important and needed. When either person takes for granted any little thing the other does to sacrifice for the good of the relationship, you begin to build resentment. At the most basic level, guys need to feel like they are providing for the family, and women want to feel safe and secure. Another way for women to score big with their men let them relax by sitting on the couch, watching a game, surfing the internet, or taking a quick nap. Whatever it is they like to do for their hobby, or go to their “cave,” let them. Know it is not about you. They actually need this down time to replenish their testosterone levels (which reduces their stress), and then makes them more available to get back to you and your honey-do list.

How are you planning to score BIG around Valentine’s? Did you notice I said “around” instead of “on” that special sweetheart day? Another note, make sure you are genuine when communicating (both verbally and nonverbally) with the other person. Doing things by rote may backfire. And, if you’re in a relationship where it has been out of balance for a while, it may take many times of tallying up points before your love begins to open your sweetie’s heart again to freely trust and love. If you try to score points as a way to get your own needs met, then the giving is not done out of unconditional love and genuine want for the other’s needs to be met, and it probably will not work. For those of us still stuck about the little things we can do to show our love—let us know what you intend to do for Valentine’s.

Lyndsay Katauakas
Corporate Media Relations
Mars Venus Coaching

Soul Mate Tips for Women

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Is there a lack of quality men in the dating pool? Women laugh and joke with their friends about this, but sometimes the more books and articles women read while sitting by the pool, the more true this sounds and feels. Why are only 48% of people between 25-55 years old married? Perhaps it’s due to our fast-paced lifestyles, on top of technological advances, and our ignorance of the differences in men’s and women’s physiology in response to stress, communication, diet, and nutrition. The good news is that both emotional intelligence and gender intelligence can be assessed, but more importantly, skills can be learned to increase your ability to have successful relationships—both personally and professionally.

Four Areas of Compatibility

We reduce our chances of finding our soulmate by becoming physical too soon, too often. A soul mate is a person who challenges us in all four areas:

  1. Intellectual,
  2. Emotional,
  3. Spiritual, and
  4. Physical

It is impossible to know if someone challenges you intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually if you become physical too soon.

Research shows love chemicals are released when you first make love with someone, stimulating the same areas of the brain as a cocaine high. The chemicals responsible for this feeling of falling in love remain in your body for up to 6-12 months after becoming intimate. It is not until 18-24 months into an exclusive dating relationship (when many people get married, and then divorce, thinking their relationship has fallen apart, because they got married…) that these chemicals leave your body.

There is no way around time. You need it to assess and see if your partner is compatible with you—your character, values, beliefs, and ability to grow with you throughout life’s events. It feels amazing to have sex, but it’s not always the best way to test if you are meant for someone. Casually dating many people at once gives you time to see who is the most compatible with you.

Get to know men in a variety of situations and with different people for 18-24 months before becoming physical. Historically, people courted with chaperones and spent time getting to know their date to see if they intellectually or emotionally challenged each other before they moved on to petting, holding hands, and being intimate.

Intellectual

Soul mates intellectually fulfill and challenge you. Not only will you need to rely on their skills for things like financial planning for your future, but as you age the physical aspects of a relationship may diminish as you age. What keeps people together is a mutual respect and appreciation of being encouraged to engage and pursue individual passions.

If you have children, much of your time during your child rearing years will be devoted to raising and developing children. This wears you down in a good way, but if there is no intellectual stimulation in your relationship, then you may begin looking elsewhere so you feel more than a milk machine and kisser of boo-boos.

Emotional

Same goes for emotional compatibility. Today we often place unrealistic expectations and unexamined assumptions on men to fill the space of girlfriends, because we have less time to spend connecting in community with other women. We expect our boyfriends or husbands to listen to us as we can hash out our days, because it makes us feel close and connected.

However, men typically communicate with others when they have thought through and have a solution or are solving a problem. This does not mean stop sharing your day with your boyfriend, but what it does come down to is when you are assessing your emotional compatibility you have to look at whether or not you are both emotionally open at the same level.

Ninety-three percent of communication is non-verbal, so when you’re testing compatibility look at how healthy you are together. Yelling, fighting, jealousy, name-calling, or being evasive are destructive behaviors. If you find this in your relationships, then before pursuing a long-term relationship it is best first to learn conflict resolution skills and ways to manage anger so that you are able to speak openly, honestly, and tactfully. All interactions should be ones where you are uplifting each other, not tearing down.

Spiritual

Over the years people’s spirituality grows and changes. In a long-term relationship the question to be asked is whether or not you are growing:

  1. in a similar direction,
  2. at a similar intensity/rate, and
  3. whether or not you’ll be able to allow each other to develop spiritually on both
    • an individual level, as well as
    • an entire family too.

If you never explore or ask the questions, or just assume you’re on the same page, then you could find yourself years down the road with a great schism running through your marriage. You’ve grown in different directions at different rates. This can lead to mid-life crises, and emptiness.

Physical

Once you’ve spent time growing as individuals while casually dating a few people at once, and you find yourself compatible on an intellectual, emotional, and then spiritual level—then decide to become exclusive and date only one person. If you’ve already become physical, you can always call a moratorium until you find out if you’re good together in the other areas. There’s a risk of bringing children into the equation, which complicates everyone’s growth and maturity. While you are parenting children you may end up parenting each other too. Men tend to jump right back into physical relationships after being hurt from previous ones. Women tend to take time to heal and trust again—and therein lays the dilemma of the current dating scene, and the pressure to perform first before dating around.

Lyndsay Katauskas, MEd
Mars Venus Coaching
Corporate Media Relations

Mars Venus Parenting and Hot Steamy Sex

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Erotic and exciting sex is not only for the unattached or young. I’d even argue it gets better with age and knowing your partner. The biggest culprit to your sex life falling flat on its face while you’re raising kids starts with a T, although it’s not necessarily a lack of toys. It’s more likely that the offender we blame is: T…I…M…E, when really it’s our lack of prioritizing a hot sex life into our busy schedules.

When we don’t nurture and grow our sex life, then we often find that sex has left the premises. Not connecting often enough with your partner in this way can leave the door wide open to one or both of you straying—either in emotional or physical affairs. So how do you broach this sticky subject if one or both parents are stressed out and tired? Regardless if you’re a new mom figuring out your new body or if you’re pre-menopausal, you can implement these techniques immediately into your life with your partner.

I cannot say from experience how things go once the kids become cognizant of the mewling sounds coming from the bedroom, because our toddler is still a toddler. From our experience, we’ve followed the following tips, and they work. These ideas are also drawn from the expertise of John Gray, Ph.D., relationship expert and author of the Mars Venus series that the Mars Venus Coaches use to strengthen relationships with their clients and workshop customers.

Humor

Keeping the atmosphere light and pressure-free is an art. However, it is doable if humor is done without sarcasm or the intent to hurt or make you feel better at the expense of another. Maintaining a good sense of humor when things change in your body allows both partners to be uninhibited. And for both sexes, it can lead to more intimacy. Accepting and making light of the weird things our bodies do as they age, as they bounce back from childbirth, and begin drooping and sagging, is quite fun, especially if you’ve been together for a while, because you’ll be able to remember and still see your hot cutie when they were XX years young. When we do accept these changes with grace, then we are able to be freer in the bedroom with our partners.

Play

Remaining playful, joyful, and young at heart—especially with your partner or spouse—is critical to keeping all the pressures of a fast-paced society out of your sex life. Leaving sexy notes and playing out your fantasies with your partner keeps ennui at bay and keeps your sex life new and exciting. Telling your partner when someone else finds you attractive reaffirms being desired, while also keeping the sexual energy within your relationship, instead of giving it away.

Non-Sexual Touch

For women, it takes time to become sexually aroused. Women need to feel relaxed and that they’ve had sufficient time to take off their hats as mom, sister, daughter, housekeeper, and professional, before they feel like the sexy, hot playmate their partner may always see them as despite the messy pony-tail and spit up on their shirt. Taking time to sit beside a woman, or to give one another a foot or back rub, with no intention of this leading to sex can do wonders to turn women on as they anticipate sex later in the day.

Connecting not Necessarily Talking it Out

If you’ve gotten this far, and you are questioning how best to take action—wonderful! You do not need to talk about what you’re doing, just take action. If things are so tense or you’re so exhausted, humor, play, and non-sexual touch are three ways you can re-balance your relationship without adding more stress. The point is to re-connect. Quickie sex. Home-Cooked sex. Romantic sex. It can all be steamy. If you are counting on spontaneity, but then find one of you always bags out, then schedule a day and time each week so you both know that you’ll have time with one another.

Agree to Always Say Yes

Never say no.  This agreement ensures no one is ever turned down. Simple as that, and it works. This is when using a nonverbal signal such as three candles, like John Gray, Ph.D., suggests  lets the other person know you’re interested, and gives them time to get in the mood, or choose to have just a quickie instead.

Long Term Perspective

Our sex life in a long-term, committed relationship will ebb and flow. The key is being able to voice any dissatisfaction in a way that is nurturing not damaging. Complaining or putting your lack of a sex life down will not encourage more intimacy. Introducing eroticism and fantasy into your relationship can ensure that it remains monogamous, while also allowing both partners to freely explore their entire sexual depth.  Keeping things playful, humorous, and focused on connecting at deeper levels ensures a steamy sex life for years to come. Our bodies will change, we will go through life events, but if we embrace these events and are gentle with ourselves and our partners, then we’re able to continue growing together despite the odds.

For more information on Mars and Venus in the Bedroom go to John Gray’s, Ph.D., book of the same name. And, if you’re pressed for time you can also pick up more tips on healthy relationships with our online couse: Secrets of Successful Relationships.

Lyndsay Katauskas, MEd
Mars Venus Coaching
Corporate Media Relations

Shaky Ground, Clear Heart

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The epicenter in Mineral, Virginia, where the 5.8 magnitude earthquake struck on August 23, 2011, was less than 30 miles from me. With telephone lines down, it looked like the 4th of July, with people over 300 miles away immediately posting updates on their Facebook pages to let friends and family know what happened and that they were okay. Life is always full of uncertainties. Sometimes it takes a natural occurrence like an earthquake not near a fault line or a tornado in an uncommon location to make us stop for a second and check in with our priorities.

I grew up in Alaska with daily earthquakes throughout the state. Earthquake drills are common practice at school, and watching blinds shake or being rolled out of bed was the norm. When things began creaking and shaking, I instinctively scooped up dog and kid and found myself waiting out the groaning, rattling, rumblings in our nearest, sturdiest doorframe. I was calmly explaining to my soon-to-be preschooler that the earth was shaking like big dinosaurs stomping around outside.

I figured, why not relate this to one of his beloved books, so it was a fun adventure, rather than a potential disaster? He asked if we should put our shoes on, and I said, “Sure, honey, when the chandelier stops swinging and the trees outside stop their staccato swaying.” Using a large vocabulary made me stay in the logical part of my brain, so I would stay calm rather than let my monkey brain create panic for us. Like all kids, he easily picks up the emotional nuances in our voices and faces to tell him how he should react—the shaking stopped, and he was excited to put on his shoes and explore outside as we checked for cracks. With my military background, my mind was also assessing the situation and hoping it was only an earthquake, and not another attack like 9-11 terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center and Pentagon inflicted by human beings angry at other human beings.

As I checked in with family and friends, I also found clients checking in with me. This brings me to my point: relationships. I created my business so I could spread and share unconditional love with as many people as possible. I believe we can all learn more life resiliency skills so that our relationships are healthier, and we’re able to stay more focused on the present and attaining our goals, which often correlate to cultivating and sharing our talents with others.

Mars Venus Coaching based on John Gray’s, Ph.D., wide body of male/female relationship dynamics, is different from other coaching systems, because it focuses on helping people to understand how to communicate with different types of people so they are valued, respected, and heard. Coaching is also different from traditional forms of therapy, because the focus is on the present and creating 90-day action plans that daily step clients closer to their life purpose and goals.

I believe we’re only here on Earth for a blink of an eye, and if we have our priorities straight, then we’re engaging with other people and making their lives a little easier to live and bear. There is a lot of potential to be self-involved, greedy, evil, judgmental, and close-minded. When we focus our attention in this direction, then we take our energy away from what I believe is our main purpose: relationships. Having successful relationships professionally and personally is a life well-lived. Your daily interactions with others, and how many close, quality relationships you have are indicators of whether or not you’re making a difference in the world.

Where were you and what were you thinking about when the 2.8, 2.2, 4.2, and 3.4 aftershocks in Central Virginia occurred in the ensuing hours? Did you even feel them? If you were nearby and felt any of the shaking—did you check in with family and friends? If you were further away and new of loved ones somewhere along the affected eastern coast of America did you check on them?

At the end of each day, regardless if there has been a life event that makes you wonder if you have your priorities straight—are you doing ALL you can do to express your gratitude and love for the people that make a difference in your life? Boot anger and low self-confidence out, and focus on what makes your relationships richer and more fulfilling—engage in the now, every day.

Are you committed to continuous relational growth? Are you ready to enhance your emotional intimacy and keep your love life strong with ongoing insights and tweaks? Discover the onlines couses at Mars Venus Coach Academy and bridge the communication gap and live the life you’ve dreamed.

Lyndsay Katauskas, MEd
Mars Venus Coaching
Corporate Media Relations

How to Manage a Micromanager

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If you’ve ever worked with a micromanager, you know how unproductive and demoralizing it can be. This control freak is reluctant to delegate, may second-guess everything you do, and can shake your confidence in your own abilities. Simple tasks that you could accomplish quickly if left to your own devices take twice as long. Your efforts may be reduced to dust as the micromanager completely re-does your work.

Sure, you may be tempted to bolt, but at a time of high unemployment, you might not have that option. So better to master the art of managing the micromanager.

Start by understanding what causes someone to act this way. Often it’s a need for control that stems from insecurity: lack of confidence, workplace instability, and pressure to produce–both individually and as a team. Deep-seated psychological issues and problems at home can also influence the way people behave at work. Many of us have the propensity to be a micromanager, but some of us rein it in better than others.

With this in mind, here are eight practical steps you can take.

1. Look for patterns.

As annoying as micromanagers are, they’re incredibly predictable. Watch for behavior swings. There will be certain situations, times of the day or week, when they get especially agitated. Knowing their pressure points can help you ease them.

2. Anticipate needs.

Once you know what triggers them, you can stay ahead of those stressors and ease the tensions early on. Flag potential problems before they escalate and offer solutions. Always have a stockpile ready of new initiatives and demonstrate that you are proactive. This helps them curb their responses to the pressure points without slipping into micromanagement mode.

3. Show empathy.

Remember, the micromanager is under pressure to produce. Show that you understand his or her plight and are willing to share the load. This could be as simple as offering to help. Tomorrow might be the day when this colleague has to take a child to school, but also has an early meeting. So today ask what you can do to make life easier tomorrow.

4. Be super reliable.

It’s much easier to manage an office where everyone turns up on time and meets work deadlines. This goes back to the fact that a micromanager hates feeling out of control. If some members of the team don’t deliver, the micromanager gets aggravated and makes unfair demands on everyone else. Discuss as a team what you can do to coordinate things in such a way that there’s no need for the micromanager to fret about how everything is running.

5. Be a role model.

Treat the micromanager the way you would like to be treated. Give the micromanager space. Don’t smother or micromanage back. In working with other people, show how your management style is different –and gets equally good results.

6. Speak up—gently.

Often micromanagers are oblivious to the effect they are having on other people. They actually think all their micromanaging is producing a better work product. Show encouragement and support for the micromanager’s strengths. Then, without being confrontational, find a way to let this person know how micromanagement affects you. A little levity could diffuse the tension. Or you might just ask how he or she thinks it feels to be second-guessed and mistrusted all the time.

7. Enlighten others.

It’s not just you who should be shouldering the responsibility of neutralizing someone’s instinct to micromanage. And chances are you’re not the only one suffering either. Explain to others on your team what you’re doing to ease the micro-manager’s anxiety and encourage them to do the same.

8. Run interference.

If a micromanager reports to you and has a detrimental effect on other team members, be a sounding board. Often the micromanager has a skill or quality that’s important to the organization. But it’s up to this manager’s boss to play a leading role in preventing other team members from getting squelched.

Deborah L. Jacobs
Forbes Staff

3 Tips to Achieving Your Goals

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Liza Tsapenko
Mars Venus Coach

Hitting Rock Bottom at Work and Surviving

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It’s rare today that your first job is also your last job. In the course of many people’s careers, as they gain time and experience, their positions change. Increased responsibility, in most cases, should mean increased pay. It can be tricky identifying a good time to move to a new position. If we’re fearful of the change, sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom, sometimes repeatedly, before we wake up and choose to be survivors and not a victim. How do we go from hitting rock bottom to surviving?

A lot of it lies in our perspective, how we internalize change, and how we incorporate our growing pains into the fabric of our lives. We can always increase our resiliency, or our ability to bounce back despite setbacks.

Our lives are such a kaleidoscope of colorful events if we choose to see it this way. It’s easy to focus on the pain, on what’s not going right. The real test of our character is our ability to face setbacks, discomfort, and failure and see it for what it is—find the lesson learned in the experience, and move on to better things as a more humble and compassionate person.

When we are at the bottom looking up, we often feel alone and unappreciated as we wonder if anyone cares about us or sees the pain through our tight smiles. Sometimes we ask ourselves what the point of going on is if we feel like our work isn’t valued. If we’ve royally screwed our personal relationships up (or lack thereof) by putting our job ahead of what’s really important to us, then it really can make us question the worth of our lives. Sometimes we hit rock bottom, because we are no longer interested in our job. We could be worn out or stressed to the max. What may really be going on is that we’re ready for a change. We’re having trouble finding purpose in what we do for our job. And we think that holding on to the way things are will keep things the same. However, when we resist change and hold on so tightly to the past or the future, we lose sight of what we’re doing in the here and now.

I have found throughout the years that a storm always precedes a fresh new beginning. Always.

When I find myself blocked or resisting a change in my job, it’s usually because I’ve outgrown the job. I’m ready for a new challenge—whether it’s more responsibility or a new career field. If I find myself anxious or dreading going into work, a storm is definitely brewing. Are you there right now?

Why not try identifying the why behind the pain, discomfort, boredom…the sooner we’re able to move past these negative feelings and beliefs, the sooner our next job will surface.

Hitting rock bottom means the only way to go is up. That we’ve outgrown the current experience and our soul is yearning for something more, something bigger, and something beyond our current situation. So ask yourself what you truly long for and how you can do something right now, today that will get you one step closer to that longing.

Step a little outside of your comfort zone.

Enlist the aid of someone with the experience and willingness to be a safe place that you can be vulnerable and explore what it is you really want.
You are definitely worth it—and the people whose lives you touch in your job will be profoundly affected by your interactions when your job is your passion. Who knows, your relationships may just fall into place as well. When you value your worth, and recognize the tenuous web that intricately spins us all together it will begin to make sense the sooner you work past the pain, longings, and yearnings, you will find happiness, compassion, and success in pursuing your passions.

If you are looking for fresh appraoch for relations, check out, Secrets of Successful Relationships. This online course is based on the groundbreaking work of John Gray, the world-renowned author of the phenomenal bestseller Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. In this course, Dr. Gray’s wisdom is presented by Rich Bernstein, the President and CEO of Mars Venus Coaching, who has been happily married for 33 years using these very principles. This course isn’t just about learning secrets; it’s about putting them into action to create new habits.

Lyndsay Katauskas, MEd
Mars Venus Coaching
Corporate Media Relations

Are You a Skilled Social Actor or a Social Chameleon?

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We all engage in impression management – trying to put our best foot forward and “fit in” in social situations. Two psychological constructs address how people “perform” in social situations, and there are subtle, but important, differences.

The first construct is called Self-Monitoring, and it is the ability to read social cues and alter one’s behavior in order to try to “fit in” to a specific social situation. Often, the high self-monitor controls his or her behavior in order to impress others or to receive others’ social approval. Low self-monitors, on the other hand, are less concerned with self-presentation and are more likely to express their true attitudes and feelings, regardless of the social circumstances (think about someone who expresses their true political feelings regardless of who they are interacting with, versus the high self-monitor who sizes up the crowd [liberal vs. conservative?] before sharing, or not sharing, political opinions).

The second construct is called Social Control, and is a skill in social acting. People high on social control are also able to control and manage their impressions, but they are not as highly affected by the social situation. Instead, the high social control individual possesses a social self-confidence and poise that allows him or her to be effective in a wide variety of social situations. Instead of the high self-monitor’s tendency to “blend in,” the person high in Social Control tends to stand out positively.

Our research has found that individuals who possess a great deal of Social Control and who are also expressive and outgoing are more likely to be perceived as potential leaders and to lead social groups. High self-monitors are also likely to be chosen as leaders because they represent the “prototype” of a group leader (because they fit in).

One problem with the high self-monitor is that in the desire to fit in with the group and gain their approval, the person may become a sort of “social chameleon,” changing attitudes, opinions, and feelings in an effort to fit in and be accepted. From a leadership perspective, this can mean the leader is highly sensitive and responsive to the social climate (and the leader changes views depending on the crowd, and may appear “wishy-washy”). Socially, the extremely high self-monitor fits in, but we never get a sense of who the social chameleon really is or what he or she believes in and stands for.

On the other hand, the person who is extremely high on social control moves confidently forward and works to bring others along with him or her. The downside of too much social control, however, can be a sort of arrogance born of the supreme self-confidence that the individual possesses. Social control thus needs to be balanced with a sensitivity to others and consideration of their opinions and feelings.

So, where do you fall on these two dimensions?

Here are some sample items from the Self-Monitoring Scale (agreeing suggests high self-monitoring):

  • In different situations and with different people, I often act like very different persons.
  • Even if I am not enjoying myself, I often pretend to be having a good time.
  • When I am uncertain how to act in a social situation, I look to the behavior of others for cues.
  • Here are some sample items from the Social Control scale (again, agreeing suggests high social control):
  • I can fit in with all types of people, young and old, rich and poor.
  • People from different backgrounds seem to feel comfortable around me.
  • I can very easily adjust to being in almost any social situation.

____________________________________________________________________________

Ronald E. Riggio, Ph.D.

References

Riggio, Ronald (1987). The Charisma Quotient. New York: Dodd Mead.

Riggio, Ronald, Riggio, H., Salinas, C., & Cole, E. (2003). The role of social and emotional communication skills in leader emergence and effectiveness. Group Dynamics, 7, 83-103.

Snyder, Mark (1987). Public Appearances/Private Realities: The Psychology of Self-Monitoring. San Francisco: Freeman.

Snyder, Mark & Gangestad, S. (2000). Self-monitoring: Appraisal and reappraisal. Psychological Bulletin, 126(4), 530-555.

Tips for the Workplace

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We expect our first posting caused you to look at the importance of promoting yourself if you are a woman, or the importance of taking the time necessary with your female colleagues to build rapport if you are a man. These tips alone can increase both our and our organization’s effectiveness. Did you apply one of these tips since the last email? Remember, thinking about them does not make them effective. Taking action, implementing them does. We must always remember that the whole premise of the Mars and Venus in the workplace is that we are different and equal – not that one is better than the other – different and equal.

Tip for Women

One of the ways women undermine their own abilities in the workplace is by using tag endings. These are a couple of little words that are often added on to the end of a sentence, like “isn’t it”, “is that ok”, “maybe”, “I think”. These tiny words serve to make you look unsure and change a sentence or what could be a powerful statement into a question. For example, “We should close down our manufacturing division because it is consistently losing money” is a powerful statement. “We should close down our manufacturing division because it is consistently losing money, shouldn’t we?” shows that you don’t really know if it is a good idea or not. With this new awareness, avoid these words that will otherwise reflect some degree of uncertainty.

Tip for Men

Men, when there are women involved in an open discussion, try to remember that it is not their natural tendency to speak over the top of others. If she is not freely contributing, ask for her opinion to draw her into the conversation. She most likely has something very valuable to say and will appreciate you for allowing her to speak. Please don’t speak for her, even if you perceive that it would be easier. Once she is speaking, try not to interrupt her. Practice your active listening skills. As a little aside, the number one complaint from women all over the world regarding relationships, both personal and business, is that they don’t feel heard.

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