10 Communication Secrets of Great Leaders

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great leadersIt is simply impossible to become a great leader without being a great communicator. I hope you noticed the previous sentence didn’t refer to being a great talker – big difference. The key to becoming a skillful communicator is rarely found in what has been taught in the world of academia. From our earliest days in the classroom, we are trained to focus on enunciation, vocabulary, presence, delivery, grammar, syntax, and the like. In other words, we are taught to focus on ourselves. While I don’t mean to belittle these things as they’re important to learn, it’s the more subtle elements of communication rarely taught in the classroom (the elements that focus on others), which leaders desperately need to learn. It is the ability to develop a keen external awareness that separates the truly great communicators from those who muddle through their interactions with others. In today’s column, I’ll share a few of the communication traits, if used consistently, will help you achieve better communication results.

I don’t believe it comes as any great surprise that most leaders spend the overwhelming majority of their time each day in some type of interpersonal situation. I also don’t believe it comes as a great shock that a large number of organizational problems occur as a result of poor communications. It is precisely this paradox that underscores the need for leaders to focus on becoming great communicators. Effective communication is an essential component of professional success, whether it is at the interpersonal, inter-group, intra-group, organizational, or external level. While developing an understanding of great communication skills is easier than one might think, being able to appropriately draw upon said skills when the chips are down is not always as easy as one might hope for.

Skills acquired and/or knowledge gained are only valuable to the extent they can be practically applied when called for. The number one thing great communicators have in common is that they possess a heightened sense of situational and contextual awareness. The best communicators are great listeners and astute in their observations. Great communicators are skilled at reading a person/group by sensing the moods, dynamics, attitudes, values, and concerns of those being communicated with. Not only do they read their environment well, but they possess the uncanny ability to adapt their messaging to said environment without missing a beat. The message is not about the messenger; it has nothing to do with the messenger; it is, however, 100% about meeting the needs and the expectations of those you’re communicating with.

So, how do you know when your skills have matured to the point that you’ve become an excellent communicator? The answer is you’ll have reached the point where your interactions with others consistently use the following ten principles:

1. Speak not with a forked tongue: In most cases, people just won’t open up to those they don’t trust. When people have a sense that a leader is worthy of their trust, they will invest time and take risks in ways they would not if their leader had a reputation built upon poor character or lack of integrity. While you can attempt to demand trust, it rarely works. Trust is best created by earning it with right acting, thinking, and decisioning. Keep in mind that people will forgive many things where trust exists, but will rarely forgive anything where trust is absent.

2. Get personal: There is great truth in the axiom that states: “people don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.” Classic business theory tells leaders to stay at arms length. I say stay at arm’s length if you want to remain in the dark receiving only highly sanitized versions of the truth. If you don’t develop meaningful relationships with people you’ll never know what’s really on their mind until it’s too late to do anything about it.

3. Get specific: Specificity is better than Ambiguity 11 times out of 10: Learn to communicate with clarity. Simple and concise is always better than complicated and confusing. Time has never been a more precious commodity than it is in today’s marketplace. It is critical you know how to cut to the chase and hit the high points, and that you expect the same from others. Without understanding the value of brevity and clarity it is unlikely that you’ll ever be afforded the opportunity to get to the granular level as people will tune you out long before you ever get there. Your goal is to weed out the superfluous and to make your words count.

4. Focus on the leave-behinds not the take-aways: The best communicators are not only skilled at learning and gathering information while communicating, they are also adept at transferring ideas, aligning expectations, inspiring action, and spreading their vision. The key is to approach each interaction with a servant’s heart. When you truly focus on contributing more than receiving you will have accomplished the goal. Even though this may seem counter-intuitive, by intensely focusing on the other party’s wants, needs & desires, you’ll learn far more than you ever would by focusing on your agenda.

5. Have an open mind: I’ve often said that the rigidity of a closed mind is the single greatest limiting factor of new opportunities. A leader takes their game to a whole new level the minute they willingly seek out those who hold dissenting opinions and opposing positions with the goal not of convincing them to change their minds, but with the goal of understanding what’s on their mind. I’m always amazed at how many people are truly fearful of opposing views, when what they should be is genuinely curious and interested. Open dialogs with those who confront you, challenge you, stretch you, and develop you. Remember that it’s not the opinion that matters, but rather the willingness to discuss it with an open mind and learn.

6. Shut-up and listen: Great leaders know when to dial it up, dial it down, and dial it off (mostly down and off). Simply broadcasting your message ad nauseum will not have the same result as engaging in meaningful conversation, but this assumes that you understand that the greatest form of discourse takes place within a conversation, and not a lecture or a monologue. When you reach that point in your life where the light bulb goes off, and you begin to understand that knowledge is not gained by flapping your lips, but by removing your ear wax, you have taken the first step to becoming a skilled communicator.

7. Replace ego with empathy: I have long advised leaders not to let their ego write checks that their talent can’t cash. When candor is communicated with empathy & caring and not the prideful arrogance of an over inflated ego good things begin to happen. Empathetic communicators display a level of authenticity and transparency that is not present with those who choose to communicate behind the carefully crafted facade propped-up by a very fragile ego. Understanding the this communication principle is what helps turn anger into respect and doubt into trust.

8. Read between the lines: Take a moment and reflect back on any great leader that comes to mind… you’ll find they are very adept at reading between the lines. They have the uncanny ability to understand what is not said, witnessed, or heard. Being a leader should not be viewed as a license to increase the volume of rhetoric. Rather astute leaders know that there is far more to be gained by surrendering the floor than by filibustering. In this age of instant communication, everyone seems to be in such a rush to communicate what’s on their mind that they fail to realize everything to be gained from the minds of others. Keep your eyes & ears open and your mouth shut and you’ll be amazed at how your level or organizational awareness is raised.

9. When you speak, know what you’re talking about: Develop a technical command over your subject matter. If you don’t possess subject matter expertise, few people will give you the time of day. Most successful people have little interest in listening to those individuals who cannot add value to a situation or topic, but force themselves into a conversation just to hear themselves speak. The fake it until you make it days have long since passed, and for most people I know fast and slick equals not credible. You’ve all heard the saying “it’s not what you say, but how you say it that matters,” and while there is surely an element of truth in that statement, I’m here to tell you that it matters very much what you say. Good communicators address both the “what” and “how” aspects of messaging so they don’t fall prey to becoming the smooth talker who leaves people with the impression of form over substance.

10. Speak to groups as individuals: Leaders don’t always have the luxury of speaking to individuals in an intimate setting. Great communicators can tailor a message such that they can speak to 10 people in a conference room or 10,000 people in an auditorium and have them feel as if they were speaking directly to each one of them as an individual. Knowing how to work a room and establish credibility, trust, and rapport are keys to successful interactions.

11. Bonus – Be prepared to change the message if needed: Another component of communications strategy that is rarely discussed is how to prevent a message from going bad, and what to do when does. It’s called being prepared and developing a contingency plan. Again, you must keep in mind that for successful interactions to occur, your objective must be in alignment with those you are communicating with. If your expertise, empathy, clarity, etc. don’t have the desired effect, which by the way is very rare, you need to be able to make an impact by changing things up on the fly. Use great questions, humor, stories, analogies, relevant data, and where needed, bold statements to help connect and engender the confidence and trust that it takes for people to want to engage. While it is sometimes necessary to “Shock and Awe” this tactic should be reserved as a last resort.

Don’t assume someone is ready to have a particular conversation with you just because you’re ready to have the conversation with them. Spending time paving the way for a productive conversation is far better than coming off as the proverbial bull in a china shop. Furthermore, you cannot assume anyone knows where you’re coming from if you don’t tell them. I never ceased to be amazed at how many people assume everyone knows what they want to occur without ever finding it necessary to communicate their objective. If you fail to justify your message with knowledge, business logic, reason, empathy etc., you will find that said message will likely fall on deaf ears needing reinforcement or clarification afterward.

Bottom line – The leadership lesson here is whenever you have a message to communicate (either directly, or indirectly through a third party) make sure said message is true & correct, well reasoned, and substantiated by solid business logic that is specific, consistent, clear and accurate. Spending a little extra time on the front-end of the messaging curve will likely save you from considerable aggravation and brain damage on the back-end. Most importantly of all, keep in mind that communication is not about you, your opinions, your positions or your circumstances. It’s about helping others by meeting their needs, understanding their concerns, and adding value to their world. Do these things and you’ll drastically reduce the number of communications problems you’ll experience moving forward.

Mike Myatt
Contributor Forbes

Why Incentives Help You Achieve Your Goals

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When it comes to making goals, we often forget an important aspect: the reward. You can argue that achieving the goal in and of itself is the reward, and in most cases, I’d agree. However, there are some goals where having an additional incentive may encourage you to stick it out longer than if you were doing it just for the goal achievement itself.

If the goal is going to take time and focused effort to achieve, then setting incremental benchmarks can be useful. The concept is similar to how you create your 90 Day Plan, and in fact complements your endeavors. Identify your long-term goal, and then figure out what you can do in smaller, bite-sized chunks. Then choose things from your bucket list (i.e., fun things you desire to do/see, but you never seem to have the time to do) that would match the effort it is going to take for you to reach each of the milestones.

For example, getting a promotion at work that you know you should go for soon, but that you are not that motivated to try right now. True, the benefit is a pay raise, but if you are holding yourself back because you are listening to negative tapes in your head telling you that you are not good at test-taking, studying, or paperwork, then an outside incentive linked to something you very much want to do or have may help you achieve this goal. And, achieve it sooner, rather than later.

So, in this promotion example, as you identify if you have the prerequisites and find out what training you will need to take, link a reward to passing the tests or the actual promotion itself. If you’ve always wanted to go scuba diving, spend a day at a spa, or ride a dirt bike, then promise yourself that you will do it once you’ve achieved your goal.

The key is to plan out how long it will take you to achieve your goal. If it is going to take longer than a week or even 3 months, then it is a good idea to celebrate your small victories along the way as well. So, for example, if it is a big step for you to approach your boss and let her or him know you’re interested in more responsibility, then celebrate on a smaller scale after you’ve sat down with your boss—buy a snorkel, get the helmet, or pick out what treatments you want to get done at the spa. Just remember, if the step that you need to take needs external motivation to get you started, then attach a reward to that step.

Pasting visual pictures of what your goal will look, feel, smell, taste, and sound like once you’ve achieved it—right next to the picture of you on the dirt bike or at the spa can help you on the rough days when you don’t feel like going after your goal. When you’re tired of being just outside of your comfort zone and are happy to slide back into what you had been doing, look and visualize what you have to gain.

And, by all means, when you’ve hit the milestones, don’t forget to cash in on your reward. Celebrate. If you keep plodding on to the finish line without picking up energy boosts, then it may seem a lot further to go than the actual distance you have left to achieve success.

Lyndsay Katauskas, MEd
Mars Venus Coaching
Corporate Media Relations

Courageous Leaders Don’t Make Excuses…They Apologize

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apologizeI’ve been thinking about the power of apology lately. I’ve been noticing that the people for whom I have the most respect don’t hesitate to say “I was wrong,” or “I’m sorry I…” On the other hand, the people I have the hardest time respecting seem constitutionally unable to take responsibility for their own mistakes. Even when they try, it comes out sounding like “I may have been partly at fault, but…” or “It may seem that I was wrong, but…” They just can’t do it.

Apologizing freely requires a good deal of courage. It’s not comfortable for any of us to admit an error, or to acknowledge that something we’ve done has caused others harm or inconvenience. So when someone truly apologizes, we know he or she is putting honesty and honor above personal comfort or self-protection. It’s inspiring, and it feels brave.

I just read a great article here on Forbes about this very topic called Creative Leadership: Humility and Being Wrong. The authors, Doug Guthrie and Sudhir Venkatesh, make a really clear and well-reasoned case for the positive power of admitting and apologizing for one’s mistakes. At one point in the article, they note that:

“We are frequently taught that leaders, especially aspiring leaders, should hide weaknesses and mistakes. This view is flawed. It is not only good to admit you are wrong when you are, but also it can be a powerful tool for leaders—actually increasing legitimacy and, when practiced regularly, can help to build a culture that actually increases solidarity, innovation, openness to change, and many other positive features of organizational life.”

I couldn’t agree more. Followers look to see whether a leader is courageous before they fully accept that person’s leadership. If they see courage (and taking full responsibility for actions and admitting and apologizing for mistakes are two of the five key indicators of courage), it feels safe to ‘sign up.’ People need courageous leaders in order to feel there’s someone to make the tough calls and to take responsibility for them – they need to know that the buck truly does stop with the leader. With a courageous leader, people feel protected – not that they’re helpless, but they know the person in charge really has their back.

And courage begets courage: your followers are more likely to make their own tough decisions and to take responsibility for them when you model that behavior. You have their backs – so they’re much more likely to have yours.

Because so many of us have a hard time apologizing, I thought it might be helpful to have an ‘apology primer.’ Here you go:

  • I’m sorry: this is the core of a genuine apology. “I’m sorry.” or “I apologize.” It’s the stake in the ground to communicate that you truly regret your behavior and wish you had acted differently. No apology is complete without this.
  • Stay in the first person: Many, perhaps most, apologies run off the rails at this point, when the apologizer shifts into the second person, e.g., “I’m sorry….you didn’t understand me.” Or “I’m sorry….you feel that way.” Suddenly, you’re no longer apologizing for your actions; you’re telling the other person that you regret their actions or feelings. A true apology sounds like, “I’m sorry I….” or “I’m sorry we…”
  • Don’t equivocate: Once you said what you regret about your actions or words, don’t water it down with excuses. That can blow the whole thing. The former manager of my apartment building once said to me, “I’m sorry we haven’t gotten back to you about your security deposit, but you have to understand we’ve got hundreds of tenants.” I definitely didn’t feel apologized to – in fact, I felt he was telling me I was being inconsiderate to hold him accountable! Just let the apology stand on its own. “I’m sorry we haven’t gotten back to you about your security deposit.”
  • Say how you’ll fix it. This seals the deal. If you genuinely regret your words or actions, you’ll to commit to changing. This needs to be simple, feasible and specific. “I’m sorry we haven’t gotten back to you about your security deposit. We’ll have an answer to you by this Friday.”
  • Do it. I know some people who don’t have a hard time apologizing, but seem to have a hard time following through on their apologies. If you apologize and say you’re going to behave differently, and then don’t – it’s actually worse than not having apologized in the first place. When you don’t follow through, people question not only your courage, but also your trustworthiness.

So there you have it. Next time you’re clearly in the wrong, take deep breath, put aside your self-justification, your excuses, your blame, your defensiveness, and simply apologize. Being courageous in this way is generally scary in anticipation. But it feels great once you’ve done it….to you, and to those you lead.

How to Overcome Emotional Abuse from Gaslighting

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This week I came across Yashar Ali’s insightful article: Message to Women From a Man: You Are Not ‘Crazy’ featured on The Huffington Post from The Current Conscience blog. He describes how men and women alike tend to gaslight women due to the culture we grow up in, and not knowing a more productive way of respectful communication.

Gaslighting is a term that mental health professionals use to explain a form of psychological abuse where untrue information is intentionally said or done to make a victim doubt her or his own memory and perception of what happened. It is as simple as an abuser denying any previous abusive episodes have occurred, or an abuser can intentionally stage peculiar events to disorient his or her victim. This occurs daily in our interactions with women when we deem them overly sensitive, emotional, or crazy—both at work and at home.

The term comes from a 1938 play called Gas Light, and its 1940 and 1944 film adaptations, where the husband uses various forms of trickery, including turning gas lights lower than normal to convince his spouse she is crazy. The term became a colloquial expression and was then used in clinical and research literature. Yashar Ali’s interpretation brings to light the cultural dynamic that our social mores today still allow this type of emotional abuse to occur, predominantly with women.

As I commented on other blogs this week, I noticed the cultural dynamic to devalue women and their emotional intelligence. We are still trying to fit women into the mold of how men work and operate, and it is not working. Rebecca Knight, on Financial Times, also recently wrote about how social identity plays a factor in helping women rise through the ranks at work. Amy Levine-Epstein on CBS News also commented on how a recent study on women finds a drop in ambition, which is also wider evidence of a trend going on right now of the need for a cultural shift to take place within our society empowering women to own their emotions and ability to be flexible…and use them as a strength in both their personal and professional lives.

A woman’s brain is built differently from a man’s. There is more connective tissue between the left and right sides of the brain, allowing more cross-talk between the two brain hemispheres. fMRIs show that under stress, blood is more evenly distributed across the brain, allowing women to make decisions using both logic (left side) and creativity/emotions (right side). This is a strength, but in our culture, it is often “gaslighted.” When men are under stress, blood flow in the male brain increases in the left orbital frontal cortex, suggesting a fight or flight response. If the problem cannot be solved logically right now, then men will tend to put off/forget about it until their cortisol levels begin to lower and they think more clearly. How men and women produce their stress-reducing hormones (testosterone for men and oxytocin for women) is also different.

My master’s is in counseling. From my experience, I see the most success with clients when we empower them to change from passive/aggressive/passive-aggressive communication styles to becoming more assertive by teaching resiliency & life skills (proactive take on the unlearning bad habits/beliefs). So I often have people identify which of the 12 listening blocks they use so they become more aware of when they tune the other person out so they can bring themselves back to the present moment.

The quickest way to become more assertive is to take back control & responsibility for staying present in conversations. When we shut down & daydream or talk to ourselves while others talk, we take away our choice to respond back in a respectful manner right then & there. If a woman has been “rendered emotionally mute,” this would enable her to identify when gaslighting is taking place, as it is taking place—so she could then respond/interpret the situation objectively. Assertive communication relies on treating yourself & others with respect.

I tend to agree with Hilde Lindemann Nelson who published Damaged Identities, Narrative Repair with Cornell University in early 2001 that a woman’s ability to resist gaslighting depends on “her ability to trust her own judgments.” By narrating a counter-story (the real events/true information), women that have been gaslighted may be able to retain their autonomy and come to objectively see the psychological abuse for what it is so they can re-establish their concept of self and heal from the exploitation.

This is why understanding listening blocks, and then building upon this awareness with assertive communication skills will help a woman who has and is being gaslighted to identify the unhealthy relationship dynamic. She can then choose safety, to leave, address the situation with appropriate authorities if necessary, and seek professional help. If there are multiple forms of abuse, seeking therapy rather than coaching (skill-based and focused on present/future outcomes) may be more appropriate.

Using a coach who helps you identify assertive communication, gender intelligence, and emotional intelligence will open doors to new skill sets that can help both the victim and abuser to divorce themselves from co-dependent relationships so they can pursue functional, healthy relationships.

Likewise, if someone—either man or woman—is gaslighting they can become more aware of their misconstruction of reality by learning how gaslighting inhibits them from obtaining genuine or true intimacy. They can do this by learning what listening blocks are and how their sociopathic behavior limits them from receiving acceptance, appreciation, respect, and unconditional love if they continue with this form of psychological abuse. They can then work from there to acquire the necessary skill sets to change to healthier relationship behaviors.

Lyndsay Katauskas, MEd
Mars Venus Coaching
Corporate Media Relations

One Easy Way To Reduce Workplace Stress And Enhance Productivity

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workplace exerciseIt’s always pleasant (if rare) to find a management tactic that works well and is also easy and even fun. Over the course of my career – both as an employee and a manager – the best way I found to reduce stress and improve productivity was simple: to exercise at midday.

Everyone has his or her own biorhythms, but I found and observed energy and concentration often flagging toward midday. And also noted considerable renewed energy and productivity following a lunchtime workout.

These aren’t simply my own idiosyncratic observations. Numerous studies link exercise to mood elevation and productivity enhancement, as well as more collaborative and tolerant behavior. The benefits of exercise are copiously well documented; the trick is effectively integrating a regular exercise program into a conservative or restrictive work environment.

What form of exercise works best? My answer’s simple: Whatever you like and can easily do in or near the workplace. For me, it was usually a 3-mile run. All I needed was a change of clothes and a shower. Many I managed liked weightlifting, walking, aerobics classes, yoga, Spinning, and so on. (Personal aside: The only form of exercise that was clearly not for me was Spinning. First, it looks wicked hard. Second, I exercised at least partly to take a break from people barking at me, so the last thing I wanted while taking a break from people barking at me was other people barking at me.)

Here are six common reasons why people can’t or don’t exercise at work, and ways to easily overcome them.

  1. I don’t have time. Sure you do. It may take you 15 minutes longer than a normal lunch hour (maybe even 30 if you have to go a little farther to get to a facility), so work 15 (or 30) minutes later. Chances are, in those extra 15 minutes, you’ll be more energized and productive than if you hadn’t exercised in the first place.
  2. My boss won’t let me. Tell him or her (nicely) to get with the program. Note info above – data shows exercise enhances productivity, reduces stress, and improves collaboration. Ask for a chance to demonstrate the results, and be sure to over-deliver when providing them.
  3. We don’t have a Fitness Center. It’s great if your company has one, but no knockout if you don’t. Sometimes all you need is a shower. Or you can go to a nearby gym or club. Often, your company can get a corporate discount, a trade that helps both teams.
  4. I won’t have time to eat lunch. Nonsense. Eat lunch at your desk while working, following your workout. I did it productively for decades. I ate a cheese sandwich or a peanut butter sandwich (fortunately, I have a limitless capacity for monk-like culinary boredom), plus an apple or an orange. The main criterion for my lunch was that it could be prepared literally within one minute – no kidding – at about 9 p.m. the night before.
  5. My hair will be a mess. Don’t be too hard enough on yourself. I’m sure your hair actually looks a lot better than you think it does. Note to employees: Of course you’ll use common sense here – no triathlon workouts right before Board presentations. Note to managers: Offer (as appropriate to your environment) flexibility of casual dress and appearance. Your employees will appreciate you for it and likely reward you with loyalty and diligence.
  6. My CEO doesn’t believe in exercise in the workplace. Hey, this is 2012. I’m as old school and dinosaurish as they come and I’ve been exercising at work since the 1970s. Note to CEOs: You’ll gain in employee engagement. You’ll gain in recruiting. You may gain in reduced absenteeism and health care costs (though that’s usually harder to document). Plus, dedicated exercisers/athletes tend to be highly disciplined individuals and fine employees. It’ll make your company a cooler happier place.

One final thought: The ability to exercise at work is a benefit and privilege, so you can’t abuse it – all expected work still has to get done. Otherwise, any straight-thinking manager will – and should – pull the plug quickly. But it shouldn’t come to that. Well-managed exercise programs improve the quality of worklife for employees and management alike. And that’s the bottom line. I’d write more, but I’ve got to go for a run.

Mars Venus on Gender Intelligent Communication

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For anyone attending recent women’s business conferences or reading the latest articles devoted to the lack of women in the executive ranks, Mars Venus Coaching asks you to open your mind to the possibility of a quick, yet long-term fix to increase the status of women in the corporate world. There is an undercurrent of paranoia and frustration about why numbers are not equalizing among the sexes at the top of the leadership pyramid. These feelings of uneasiness are in response to being run ragged by constant low-grade stress. Whenever we ask people if they are familiar with the book Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, there tends to be an instant lighting up of the eyes and an intake of breath. This term, coined by Dr. John Gray when he wrote his best-selling book of that title back in 1992, is now considered to be part of our society’s vernacular. Dr. John Gray has written many books relating to the Mars-Venus dynamic (16 and counting). Instead of reading the research and literature, the following is a quick synopsis of why implementing this quick fix is imperative. It’s important not only for women to remain in and ascend the corporate ladder, but also to re-balance and give quality of life back to everyone in this fast-paced, high-tech world. The solution Mars Venus refers to is introducing gender intelligent communication into professional development training.

Our current expectations and assumption that men and women are equal, and therefore must be treated the same, is both an unrealistic expectation and an unexamined assumption. To address reality, the solution is to address the real issue, and that is the current state of men’s communication style being preferred, while disregarding how women communicate. The solution, then, is to teach how men and women communicate differently in workshops at work. Women are up against a brick wall when it comes to fitting into a culture that disregards their unique gender-based contributions to working and relating to others. The solution of teaching gender intelligent communication implements a culture shift in the corporate world to equally embrace and respect men’s and women’s unique gender contributions. Continuing to force women to assimilate into a male-created work climate is unwise. Now we are armed with information regarding why and how it damages both our bodies (health and wellness-wise) and our relationships (at work and at home).

The latest research shows how men’s and women’s interaction with stress is different in three ways. The first is how the chemicals in our brains respond differently to stress. The second way we’re different is that we produce different stress-reducing hormones. Men reduce stress by producing testosterone, and women reduce stress by producing oxytocin. And the third is the way we reduce our stress. How we produce the stress-reducing hormone based on our gender actually increases the other gender’s stress! The research is good to understand the “whys” behind the way we behave, and more importantly, why we communicate differently the way we do with one another; however, what is more germane to this discussion is the quickest way to balance men and women in the workplace. The easy answer is we do this through gender intelligent communication workshops.

The culture needs to change, and the quickest way is to train people in the ways men and women communicate differently. The first level of learning is awareness. The second level is putting it into practice. Previous solutions offered saved face. This “lip service” backfired with more misunderstanding and disgruntled employees. This solution does not promote women being promoted without hard work or merit. The companies which accept and respect women’s unique penchant for attention to detail while they incorporate everyone into the decision-making process at the same time as when they identify emotional consequences are the companies gaining recognition for success and increased quality of life for its employees and customers. This solution is not lip service, because it requires an immediate call to action to train people how to effectively communicate.

When the two different gender styles of communication are both given credit for their strengths and weaknesses, then the playing field is leveled, because our unique ways of relating to one another are understood, respected, and embraced. Changing the way we talk to one another, in essence, is the fundamental first step that has heretofore been missing. A culture shift occurs when we are able to open our hearts and minds to understand the other person’s way of communicating as being a slight variation in dialect. The modus operandi of male communication patterns or else is outdated. Running a balanced work world embracing both men and women’s unique contributions acknowledges everyone’s gifts. In turn this makes the workplace more productive and conducive to both new growth and change as the workforce assimilates cultural awareness. There will be equal numbers of men and women in and at the top in the corporate world once everyone is respected for their method of communicating. Lucky for us the by-product is lower stress levels for all. This goes a long way for our economic, health, and marriage crisis; which would be easier to handle if our relationships were open, honest, healthier, and a source of comfort both at work and at home.

Lyndsay Katauskas, MEd
Corporate Media Relations
Mars Venus Coaching

Finding Success in Failure

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The key to life is resiliency. Our ability to dust our knees off, figure out how we fell, and how we can prevent ourselves from falling over that same log again is part of the equation. The other part is being able to analyze how we ended up with a different result than we intended, and how to grow from this learning opportunity.

“It takes sixty-five thousand errors before you are qualified to make a rocket.”
–Werhner von Braun

As I found the two quotes for this article, I had to struggle with whether or not I even saw setbacks as failures. Part of my resistance is because I chose early in life to see everything as a growth opportunity. When I’d fall off my bike, I’d get back on. Lesson: Don’t ride head-on into a curb; it will rise to meet you. As a military child, I’d notice if I was a little too introverted at one school, then when we’d move to another school and I’d put my fears aside and work at being more extroverted. As a result, I was class president one year, vice president the next, varsity lettered in 4 sports, and bounced through 4 high schools, became a U.S. Naval Academy graduate, and then a Marine Corps officer. I survived 25 plus moves, and we’re still counting the moves for my husband’s military career.  That’s why when I say the key to life is resiliency, I say this because we are always growing and changing. Change is our only constant reality. Regardless of whether you live in the same place your whole life, or move around and start over each move like me, the satisfaction, zest for life, success, and joy in life are in embracing this constant state of change and renewal.

If you are having trouble finding committed relationships or in pursuing a goal to completion. We’ve all been there. The way you move through and past whatever fear block you’ve thrown in your way is to learn new skills and then try them out. You won’t know if they work until you use them and see for yourself if they work for you.

“Anyone can make mistakes, but only an idiot persists in his error.”
–Marcus Tullius Cicero

The only way to cope better with the downs (and ups) is to increase our resiliency skills. This is done through:

(1)     Learning more assertive communication,

(2)    Being able to use emotions as an intuitive tool to indicate when you or someone else is out of sync with harmony, and

(3)    Understanding another’s point of view through gender intelligence.

Along the way you pick up more insight and awareness to what really matters to you, what you’re passionate about, and how you can align yourself with people and places that will enable you to realize your dreams.

If you are stuck making the same mistakes the way you learn is by seeking out new interpretations and answers. By allowing yourself to be vulnerable you let in the possibility of others helping you grow. In letting new ideas and people into your life you gain a new way or friend that arms you for the next setback. Leaning temporarily on others who have the knowledge, experience, and compassion can spur your growth faster than going it alone. Coaches in this way are phenomenal, because they are right there with you and your fear. Learning how to work past the resistance to try again or try something new is a beautiful journey with success as part of the process.

What is so exciting about rising from failure is that over time, as you learn how to grow from setbacks; you learn that as one door is closing, another will always be opening. And the quicker you see a door closing and embrace the closure instead of resisting it, there is less pain, the setback can be more objectively seen as a growth opportunity (and not an attack on you or your ego). This always leads to a better reinvention of you and how you are able to connect and respond more intimately with all those people and things you care about.  Success is yours if you are willing to embrace and grow from what’s holding you back from experiencing your absolute potential.

Lyndsay Katauskas, MEd
Mars Venus Coaching
Corporate Media Relations

Dear John

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My boyfriend encouraged me to email you. I am 39 with no children. My boyfriend is 43, divorced with three children. We have been living together for the past three years as a family. I love his children like my very own but I have always told him I want to have a child with him in the future. Two weeks ago, he told me he does not want another child. What is the best course of action for me at this point in my life? Please help.

-Nadia

 

Hi Nadia,

What happens when you want something and your partner doesn’t want to give it to you?  What happens when your partner can’t give it to you?  You can give up and leave the relationship. You can find a compromise.

I had a similar experience to you, Nadia. When I married Bonnie 20+ years ago, she had 2 children from a previous marriage. Like you, I also loved her kids as if they were my own, and still to this day. But, like you, I wanted to have a child with her as well.  The topic naturally entered the relationship as we were discussing marriage.  I told her I wanted to have a child with her. She replied by asking me, “Are you saying that if I don’t want to have a child with you, you won’t marry me?”  I didn’t want to go that far too soon in the discussion.  So I turned it around to focus on her feelings first.

I asked her why she didn’t want to have a child with me. She was concerned our marriage may end like her first marriage, and she would be a single mom again. Her children were already in school and well beyond the baby years. So the thought of doing it over again was frightening.

I listened to her concerns and responded to each with a promise to never leave her. Then I waited a while to bring up the topic again. When it did come up, I reiterated my promises to her and our relationship. I told her I felt parenting was the biggest act of love we could share in our relationship. Eventually, she agreed, and we have 3 beautiful daughters.

For you, Nadia, pick a good time to talk without distraction and when he is ready to talk. Ask him with love: Why is the thought of having another child frustrating? What are your past disappointments? What are your concerns?

Do not respond, but truly listen. Listen to him and listen to the feelings inside you. Once he is finished. Respond from your heart. Be real. Be authentic with him and yourself. Use your greatest power: your femininity. Don’t try to manipulate his responses. Simply speak your truth. Tell him why you want another child and make it clear to him that you will appreciate him even more if you have a child together.

Grow in love,
John Gray

Workplace Communication Skills: Part 2

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In part 1, we spoke about workplace communication. In this part, we talk about the need for improved communication between the sexes in the workplace is very important for the overall health and efficiency of all organizations. In the global economy in which we compete, we need to ensure that inefficiencies are “built in”, and that we do not tolerate difficulties in communicating with the opposite gender. Awareness and training from the online video eWorkshop “Mars and Venus in the Workplace” can eliminate or correct difficulties and misunderstandings and have an immediate positive impact on your organization.

Let’s discuss another tip for each gender that can help you be more effective in your current role or position.

Tip for Women

We’ll begin with one that is very common when women communicate with men. When communicating with men, we teach women to come straight to the point and leave out unnecessary details and background information. Men usually communicate in a very direct way, and to women’s ears, a blunt way. Men do not take offense at this and will be very appreciative if a woman simply gets to the point without the added extras.

Don’t make sacrifices to justify a request. Instead, just ask directly for what you want. If he says no, ask again and be willing to negotiate. Men appreciate directness.

Tip for Men

The tip for men is to avoid lecturing a woman. Lecturing women is what can be called a boomerang strategy – you throw it out there, and then it comes back to hit you on the head. Involving rather than telling women always works best. If you continually tell or lecture a woman to do things, she will simply form the opinion that you are arrogant, don’t care about anyone else, and will be completely demotivated. Hence, her productivity will be greatly decreased. If you involve her, her ownership of the task increases, and so does her motivation and productivity.

In the instance of lecturing a woman because she has done something wrong or made a mistake, it is extremely counterproductive. Most women can tell themselves off and beat themselves up far better than anything anybody else could do to them. If a woman is aware that she has made a mistake, she will already be internally telling herself off and accepting the blame or responsibility. Often, in this situation, she needs the man to be supportive, yet stern. Find the balance.

Are you ready to take your career to a whole new level and distinguish yourself at work? It’s going to take a little work on your part to learn the necessary skills and tools. Why not get started and improve your skills with a workshop that has the timely information to make you stand out in your organization and move your business or career forward?

Again, if you found this information helpful, click the link to learn more about the Mars Venus Gender Intelligence course, based on the same life-changing workshop that John Gray and his team of Mars Venus Success coaches have given in-person throughout the world. And now you can benefit from this workshop in the comfort of your own home.

The Relationships You Want. Start Here.

Mars Venus Coaching Team

Workplace Communication Skills

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It is well-known that before you come to work, you have to leave your informal self back home. In the office, you’re an employee, someone who’s supposed to go about his work in the most professional manner. There is a way to talk to your superiors, to your peers, and to your subordinates. This mode of communication is known as workplace communication and is typically formal and to the point. So, how does one get the required workplace communication skills and what is the importance of communication skills in the workplace?

Communication Skills in the Workplace

What are the good workplace communication skills?

  • Courteousness: A person should always be courteous while speaking to anyone in the workplace, whether senior or junior. One should not speak disparagingly with juniors, while speaking in a laudatory way with seniors. Courteousness should be maintained in the workplace irrespective of rank.
  • Precision: You’re not supposed to sit and chat in the workplace. Workplace communication is a necessity and should be completed as quickly as possible. Workplace communication mostly consists of delegating tasks and reporting results. So keep it short.
  • Language: One should never use any slang terms while at work. Business communication should be crisp and clear so that everyone understands what you’re saying. Slang terms bring in the eventuality of misunderstanding and also look unprofessional. So one should avoid using slang in the office.
  • Low Speaking Volume: One comes across so many loud-talkers. Perhaps they are naturally so or do so deliberately to drive some point across. But speaking loudly is disturbing to other people around you; hence, a low speaking volume should be maintained.
    Clarity: It is also essential to ensure that the person you are speaking with has completely understood what you have to say. Hence, one should speak very slowly and clearly. If you have a strong ethnic accent, you should make sure that you talk slowly so that the other person gets what you have to say. It is always good to ask, “Have you understood?” just in case someone doesn’t get what you have to say.
  • Listen to Others: Most people think of effective communication as a one-way thing. But it is also very important to be a good listener and not just a good talker. Others too often have something to say or to contribute to a discussion; hence, listening is one of the effective communication skills at work.
  • Posture and Body Language: They say actions speak louder than words, and the same can be considered to be true at the workplace. The body has a language of its own, too, and at the workplace, the body ought to be courteous. There are simple things to keep in mind, whether it is wishing everyone ‘good morning’ at work, or having a courteous smile on your face, being well-dressed in the office, or sitting erect when someone is talking to you. All these things too are included in the superset of workplace communication skills.

Written Communication

Modern methods allow the least use of the written mode of communication (less than before). Today, we use emails, service forms, report sheets and the occasional sticky note. Your skills should extend to this area as well. Do not drone on about things in your emails. In fact, an email is the perfect excuse to make it short, simple, quick and effective. While filling reports on any projects or for employee appraisals, keep the language clean and simple. It reflects on as you as someone who is hard working and prompt.

Importance of Communication Skills in the Workplace

If one understands the significance or importance of something, then I feel that they do that thing better. So instead of just dishing out all the important workplace communication skills, I feel it is equally important for people to understand, what is the big deal about it! It is important to be formal and cordial in the workplace for several reasons. Firstly, you are viewed by everyone in the office as someone who has a positive influence in the workplace. Such people are always desired by companies. Secondly, you learn to get your point across effectively and ensure that the work is done the way it should be. And thirdly, (I’m being a bit informal here) it makes you look like a team player and makes you more loved by the company overall!

So this was all about the workplace communication skills and their importance. Now you know how to communicate effectively in the workplace and why. So get on with the job!